Wah.... it's been so long...

= my speakers sing [nothing.] = & = i'm feeling... [ugh-ed.] =

And so it is...
I am one year older...
I am still unemployed...
Most... of the time...

* Celebrated my birthday at where else, autosport. No pics to be uploaded though... I looked like ½ dead in most of the pics...

* I just gave up on dragonica-ing cos the freaking program keeps crashing or disconnecting me... Zzz... It's a sign for me to get started on other stuff.

My psp just died on me !!! ... Sad. Where to find $$ for new psp !!!! AHhHHHHhhhHHHHhhhhh...............................................

*EDIT I'm a fucking genius ! google is your best friend ! no need to buy new psp liao lo !!! wahahahahahahahahahhaha

And so it is...

= my speakers sing [nothing.] = & = i'm feeling... [amazingly high.] =

My friend... just shared with me about his tak glam past... which made me wonder... if he is able to live his life so good now...

Why.

Can't.

I?

After he said all those to me... I looked at her... Sure she looked naive and all... Can't help but have this indescribable feeling of wanting to protect her... then again... is she doing all these so that I will be suckered to her? She behaved very weird today... which lead me thinking... Why do I still bother so much? Isn't it a fact that I've decided to let go and move on?

Hm... I ponder...

So long...

= my speakers sing [Nothing.] = & = i'm feeling... [sad yet relieved.] =

And so I bid you a fine farewell Grandpops.

See you on the other side.

1915 - 8th Aug 2009.

I'm FUCKED !

= my speakers sing [~] = & = i'm feeling... [~] =

From the movie, "Racing with the moon".

Sean Penn to Nicholas Cage: "You don't know what a pussy is!"

Nicholas Cage: " Oh yea? Why?"

Sean Penn: "Cause you drink too much!"

Nicholas Cage: "Why?"

Sean Penn: "Cause drinking makes your brain go soft !"

LOL?

Drinking does makes ones brain go soft.

But I'm clear now.

NO. MORE.

~

= my speakers sing [~] = & = i'm feeling... [~] =

The people who truly care about you do not mind your mistakes.

It's what you do thereafter that matters.

Singapore is 44. I'm still the same.

= my speakers sing [sounds of dgn.] = & = i'm feeling... [tired, tired, and tired.] =

My phone suddenly died on me !!! Argh !!!

- Off to Samsung service centre.
- Crap. Warranty expired.
- Zzz.
- Sent for evaluation for cost of repairs.
- Went to M1 next door.
- Looked at new phones for 5min.
- Bought a new phone in less then 5mins.
- New toy == Jet.

Samsung called yesterday and this morning. Cannot give me an affirmative whether the repairs cost 80 or 180. ........................................

- Been quite emo the last few weeks.

很烦啊!!!

Marikita....

= my speakers sing [Piew Piew Sounds.] = & = i'm feeling... [blank.] =

Happy National Day ! ... To come !

.....
......
..........

Wait a min.

Do I even give a rat's ass?

A month of whirlwind...

= my speakers sing [nothing.] = & = i'm feeling... [very bored to the max.] =

Bored. Sad. Lonely. Frustrated. Empty.
Sad. Lonely. Frustrated. Empty. Bored.
Lonely. Frustrated. Empty. Bored. Sad.
Frustrated. Empty. Bored. Sad. Lonely.
Empty. Bored. Sad. Lonely. Frustrated.

Blank ! Feeling of Blank !

= my speakers sing [nothing !] = & = i'm feeling... [blank !] =

Blank !

For a moment last night... the thought of hanging up my drinking boots kept running into my mind... Maybe I'm really tired of all these drinking crap... the things that come along with it... good and bad... haiz... headache ar !

part 3.2

= my speakers sing [Hurt So Bad - 张敬轩] = & = i'm feeling... [Very calm.] =

Just spent the last 40 mins or so going through my previous entries... Just realised that I am my own healer. While reading through the past entries... All the memories came flooding back...

I remembered the good and the bad...

It was indeed an exciting love story as you said... We did go through some really tough times together...

But...

At the end of the day... I finally remembered the most important reason why it has to end...

Very simply...

Very easy...

I forgive. But I do not forget.

... there is a part 3...

= my speakers sing [Nothing.] = & = i'm feeling... [A sense of calm with mixed thoughts.] =

Why does it feel like it's as though we just broke up even after so many months. Maybe cause when I say I love you, I really do mean it? I was all prepped to say so many things before you came. But... as expected... it ended within 5 seconds. So many thoughts running through my mind... In a way, "It's finally over"... yet another... "Why did it have to end?"

Maybe Joseph was right.

拿得起, 要放得下.

Wasn't really the correct timing for him to say it... But I needed that kind of slap in the face there and then. It's not as though I had never given it thought before I wanted to end the relationship... It's just that... maybe... just maybe... she did more harm to me then good... but now... I am only reminiscing the good... Thats why I'm feeling like shit. Maybe... we met too late... then again, it could be just a lesson in life for me to learn. All I know is... my heart is broken all over again. I feel like... climbing into my hole... and hide there till the storm in my heart is over...

哭了才发现自己真的受伤了
你曾对我说你永远是我的
为了爱情我把自己的幸福都忘了
你快乐我就快乐
也许是我们彼此都太年轻了
总是特别容易沉溺在爱情里
每当我再次看到身边美丽的花火
你已离开我
我还是想对你说

baby i love u so much
你走了我的心在淌血
baby u hurt me so bad
想要你回到我的世界
baby i love u so much
你给我的诺言已经瓦解
baby u hurt me so bad
只要我们都爱着
无论多苦都值得
说好的你怎么忘记了

So many "Maybes"...

Maybe...

we were just not meant to be...

...... Part 2

= my speakers sing [nothing.] = & = i'm feeling... [extremely intoxicated.] =

Of all people, you had to pick my good friend ! You are really... I don't want to use those words on you... you know what you have done.

Seriously, go fuck yourself.

.............

= my speakers sing [NOTHING.] = & = i'm feeling... [blank.] =

YOU KNOW WHAT YOU HAVE DONE.

Thats all I have to say.

Quite saddening.

Ugh.

= my speakers sing [郑中基 - 怪胎] = & = i'm feeling... [sick.] =

Gums are bleeding...
Stomach is aching...

I seriously wonder what's wrong with my body nowadays... No work seems to make it break down faster... Zzz... I wonder if it's the amount of alochol and cigarettes intake... ... .. .

Anyway,

Been in quite a foul mood lately... still fretting over the same old problems... no $, no work, no love... well... at least the last is of no importance for now...

No work, no $. No $, no talk.

Si beh fan ah !!!

I know alot of people are worried for me... I thank you all sincerely for the concern... I will try to look for a job ASAP. Meanwhile... PLEASE stop asking me those zzz questions 1 million and 1 times. It's like a sure win conversation-starter with me... and it's really getting on my nerves... I doubt this message will be passed to the intended people... So if YOU(YES YOU ! The person reading my blog now !) thinks that a mutual friend between us will ask this sorta questions when we meet... PLEASE advise him in advance. THANKS AH.

...

Doctor's later for my diarrhea problem !
Dentist tomorrow for my overbleeding gums !
Funeral Parlour soon for my coming funeral !
.... =.=

/me worries.

= my speakers sing [nothing.] = & = i'm feeling... [srsly. fucked up.] =

" Faineant " - adjective-

An idler.

Simplicity/Money/Life

= my speakers sing [Nothing.] = & = i'm feeling... [Empty.] =

It's Labour Day !!!

Wait a minute... Am I even entitled to celebrate Labour Day when I'm not labouring?

HM..................

Right. Probably that's why I stuck at home mulling over the lack of places to go...

/me looks at his pockets... zzz...

Financial Status: Amber-to-Red

... Right. That's another reason why I'm home.

I need a job.

Fast.

Anyways,

Finally set foot on Cafe Del Mar... I know... it's been operational since god knows when... I just had the opportunity to go with mao but missed it due to bad weather... So... logically, based on my own mentality... the next best thing is to go at any given opportunity ! I went, I enjoyed beer, got invited by a Lao Goh ang moh to join her table..., I shifted to the edge of Del Mar... I watched the stars and sipped on my beer and I realised what I had been missing out on. It's DAMNNNNN shiok man. The sand, the stars, the sea and BEER ! I die a man of no regrets. ROFL.

Well... I shall try to make another trip ASAP... wouldn't miss it for the world ! ^^

Gone with the wind...

= my speakers sing [Sweets sounds of silence.] = & = i'm feeling... [Kinda tired but not quite.] =

Amao is gone ! So are my parents !
....
.....
......

He's back in the states for his official one year attachment... Managed to grab a last drink before seeing him again in a year's time... Damn... I sure am gonna miss that son of a gun. I finally collected the Hooters mousepad he got for me from the states ! o.O

My parents are off to my homeland of Hainan Island again !

All alone in the house ! Yea !
Smoke wherever the fuck I want ! Yea !
Do whatever the fuck I want ! Yea !

Doing the dishes by myself ! Yea?
Doing all the household chores ! Yea??
Attempting to cook for myself ? yea?!
Doing my laundry... yea...

Oh well... best enjoy myself these 5 days they're not around... Then again... Aren't I enjoying myself already? Hm........

amao is back !

= my speakers sing [nothing.] = & = i'm feeling... [all revved up !] =

He's back from ths states ! After his orientation for a couple of months, he's back for awhile before officially being transferred back there for a year !

Things to do today:

1. Eat alot.
2. Drink alot.
3. Eat alot.
4. Drink alot.

Weather doesnt seem good at the moment, but none the matter. Today ! We shall paint the town gold ! With beer !!!

Nasty.

= my speakers sing [Nothing.] = & = i'm feeling... [Bored.] =

Just woke up from a nasty nap some ten minutes back.

Why nasty you might ask? Isn't napping always a good thing?

I had a dream... Nasty.

I dreamt that... I met her at the usual coffeeshop where we'd settle our dinners ! She was still dressed in those skimpy outfits of hers... with an abnormal over-tan. Turned out she was just there to tell me about how nice her current beau is... Into car parts business(exhausts?)... rich guy... I felt so disgusted I woke up !

But when I woke up...

I felt like crap.

Don't get me wrong, it's not as though I'm feeling so sad and all... It's just that... Why the hell would I even dream about her now?

I ponder.
.
..
...
....
.....

Anyway,

New job searching still to no avail. I better pull up my socks and settle into a job fast !!! Need to see $ coming in soon ! Too lazy to reply to people's questions of

"Have you found a job yet?",
"Have you tried job agencies?",
"Have you tried lowering your standards?",
"Aiyoh, why aren't you still working?",
"You need to find a job fast you know, now recession leh..."

I KNOW LA.
I'M NOT STUPID OKAY.
I'M OLD ENOUGH TO KNOW WHAT WEIGHS HOW MUCH AND WHAT LIFE IS ABOUT.

*Ahem. Pardon my outburst. Thanks for the concern. I still live by one phrase,

"There are no stupid questions, only stupid people."

Sick.

= my speakers sing [Nothing.] = & = i'm feeling... [Like crap.] =

Fug. Sick yet again. Camped at home on friday. Looks like gonna be the same for saturday as well.

Insomnia setting in. Couldn't really get some good rest for the past 2 weeks or so.

Why?

I do not know. Maybe cause I'm troubled.

Troubled about what? I do not know.

I've tons to think about. Especially when my future's at stake.

I don't know what the hell I'm doing nowadays too. I must be getting too crappy cause sometimes I can't even stand the face I see in the mirror.

Damn I need to recover fast.

Damn I need more booze.

P/S: I'm on youtube! No thanks to that friggin kukubird ivan. zzz....






Of all songs why must he record these 2... zzz. I sincerely apologize for the lameass dumb V handsigns. Thats the effect of too much beer. ...

Emptiness. Personified.

= my speakers sing [sounds from HBO.] = & = i'm feeling... [alone in the dark.] =

300am. Alone staring at the walls.

400am. Still staring at the walls.

500am. Switched on HBO. Watched "Without Limits". Some show about Steve Prefontaine.

700am. Still not sleepy. Wide awake. Decides to blog abit. "Catch and Release" in on HBO. How apt.

Normally I'd be sipping my coffee while waiting for your "Home" messages.

No appetite.

Moodless.

Empty.

Just... empty.

04 March 2009.

= my speakers sing [nothing.] = & = i'm feeling... [like FUCK.] =

It's another definative moment of my life. 我又单身了！

Too many things to consider.. In the long run... I can only just say, I am sorry.

我不知道为什么会变成这样...
但太多太多事情让我担心和烦恼...
我愿本是以为我们可以走下去...
一起走下去, 但是她始终是你和我之间的障碍...
我爱你. 但那是不够的.
你我之间的不同和不愉快不是一句简单的我爱你就可以解决的.
人是始终是自私的.
你也有说过以你现在的处境, 跟我在一起, 是不是在拖累我.
可能是刚开始的时候你骗了我, 我还是耿耿于怀...
我一直以来都不喜欢有人骗我.
何况是你还变本加厉的唆使你的同事们一起来敷衍我...
我曾觉得我是一个笨蛋,白痴，头脑智商有问题的人.
可是我还是要尝试跟你在一起...
因为我感受得到你给与我的爱和关怀是真的.
当你问我的时候，我曾想过...

“我这样的骗你... 你能接受吗... 你会觉得我在拖累你吗?”

我是有想过...
也曾经尝试过...
可是...
我只能说, 对不起, 我办不到.
我不是你心中的男人.
我也不是一个好男人.
我其实在寻找的是一个简简单单的爱情.
我们现在的处境实在是太乱了.

可能一开始我就应该知道是这样的结果.

对不起, 我不应该在浪费你的时间...
我希望你能找到比我更爱你的人...
我知道一定会有比我更爱你的人...

我只想说声, 对不起.