F. F. F. FUCK !

= my speakers sing [NOTHING.] = & = i'm feeling... [EMPTY.] =

Just read something from Neil Gaiman, "Fragile Things"... since mao bought it not long ago... There was a short story that he wanted me to read so much about. I guess it somehow or rather had a similiarity with me... "how do you think I feel?" This short story struck me momentarily. I could just feel what Neil Gaiman was trying to portray in his own method...

I can't help but remember the part about him mentioning the gargoyle wrapping his heart... Haaaaaaa............ I could use something like that right now... Then again... if I were to reach that stage... I'd probably be like a de-generate like mao... which he doesn't really wish for me to end up as... All I gotta say is that,

"We're degenerates you and me.
No matter what events takes place,
No matter what happens,
De-generates, you and I.
We'll forever be...
DE-GENERATES."

lame boy.

When I was drinking alone at "George's" I thought of a couple of things. About what I've did for the past few days... I mean it's that, I'm at a stage where I've reckon that I can't possibly say/do anything more... I've tried and tried but if her heart doesn't have any place for me, no matter what I say or what I do would not be enough to convince her to carry on this relationship with me...

Frankly speaking... I don't know why I'm behaving like this. I don't know why I'm putting so much effort or interest in this. Am I trying to make up for the lost effort for Diana's case? Am I trying to prove to myself that by loving someone too much, you wouldn't destroy the relationship? Or rather, am I trying to commit myself too much? Am I that desperate to look for a wife? WTF? Am I too serious too fast already?

I.
Don't.
Know.

All I know is... I've given nearly my all for this relationship. This "so-called" relationship. And it hasn't brought me any joy at all. Rather then I frustrate her and strain myeslf, might as well I just let it go la... I'm really sick and tired of all this guessing and shit. I want to ask her whether she really loves me or not, but then again, I think back,

ONLY ONE MONTH PLUS LOR.

LOVE MY LAN JIAO.

I give up. I can't fathom a female's mind. I don't wanna guess what's in it anymore.

IT'S KILLING ME.

任贤齐 - 心太软 (I guess this is "the" song for me right now... HA HA HA?)