it's been too long...

= my speakers sing [Rainnie Yang - 理想情人] = & = i'm feeling... [empty but with a sense of certain relief.] =

After yet another "counselling" by one of my good colleagues, I've realised something which I should have done a long time ago.

I should have put myself in her shoes a long time ago. Afterwhich he said somethings that suddenly made sense to me.

"她这样把自己吊起来卖，你还那么傻去上钩..." Well, not entirely like that but the meaning is the same...

But once I've put myself in her shoes, I started wondering... she might have other choices whom she can't decide by... So she's just playing her time slowing taking her pick. Maybe she doesn't know how I feel... But I'm not about to let her know... If she's not even going to consider the shitloads that I've gone through these past few weeks... then there's probably nowhere else to go but to give up and move on...

I don't know why I felt towards her like this... this emotion can be compared to losing di... I used to think that, that was the ultimate sense of grief that I could experience during that period of my life... I guess... I was wrong. She made me feel something similiar to that of when I was with di. I felt really, really happy. I felt satisfied and immense joy whenever I was with her. Could be put that I actually felt complete for that short duration.

But the last few weeks were sheer torture. I drank almost everyday not to numb the pain... but so as to be able to sleep more easily. Everything I said, saw, touched, heard and thought reminded me of her. Some people can understand what I'm going through, some can't. I was so nearly on the verge of breakdown. And her sudden antics didn't really clear the air lor. I needed an answer. A resolve. A clear definate explaination of why what transpired, transpired. But all I got was nothing. To the extent...

that I'm now starting to feel numb.

I want to put a stop to this. Seriously, I don't care if she sees this or not. I just want her to know that...

曾经有一个人，
把自己的心完全掏给了
一个对他来说很特别的女孩，
可惜那女孩没有珍惜...

If she ever bothered about the relationship, she wouldn't have mentioned breaking up in the first place. If she cared, she would have chased me home personally from her void deck instead of just using a few smses to shoo me away. I'd already dropped my pride and went to her house like a fool to look for her... and all she could muster was a few smses. If she really liked me, she wouldn't have beared to let me go through this fucking hell I'm going through right now. (Boy I'd love to see her refute these.)

I ain't complaining, I'm just trying to release myself. I've learnt a few more new things about myself. Life is a road of self discovery. I've decided to let go. Sometimes, the best things in life are those that you never achieve. If fate really wants to play with me... then please, let me learn faster so I won't fall so hard the next time round.

Anyway,

Tomorrow will be a new day. Same old me, mind afresh. And as I always say...

Life is good and life goes on.

:-D