the game...

= my speakers sing [nothing.] = & = i'm feeling... [sleepy & puzzled.] =

Been feeling very weird the past couple of days. I feel that a certain friendship of mine is being strained. Maybe cos I was being a jerk a couple of days back and ignoring her due to some issues raging in me. But now... it's not really the same anymore (to me, I feel.) The way we talk is more like entertaining each other now... not as spontaneous as before... and I'm feeling rather awkward and outta topics when we talk now... Gosh, I'm lost and somehow or rather, I feel that I've let her down by that "act" of mine... Grrrr. I've apologized umpteen times yet I feel it's still not enough... Someone please, tell me what to do...

Anyway,

Also vexed over some issues about my sis... How can something that lasted for so long be ended so quick and a replacement found that easily? True, there will always be some things that cannot be ironed out. But isn't love just recognising each others' faults and learning to compromise with it? Isn't it the correct amount of give and take that'll sustain a relationship? Understanding and trust within each other is very important in a relationship. I used to think that I understood a little on that topic, after this, I think I'm totally lost. How is possible that breaking up with someone after a relationship that long can suddenly seem to be so easy and as if, without feelings?

I don't know what this is all about, a game? a routine? a gamble? It's totally different for different people. Different perspectives yield different responses. The emotional stakes are high, cos once you give it your all and you fail, it's a very very long and hard drop. If it's only for the experience and fun... Well, to each his own. No one should be hurt but it could never happen... Someone is bound to suffer from a failed relationship. As for me... it's all very intriguing... the game... some people call love. And I have to admit, this is definately a game I don't know how to play. As the saying goes, once bitten, twice shy...



I'm afraid actually.

Afraid to commit.
Afraid to fail again.
Thus I begin to doubt myself.

When I take a fancy to someone, I'll stop myself and ask,
"Am I doing too much?
What will she think?
Is she the right one?
Will I fail?
Will I...?"

Who cares anyway? All the results will probably be the same... I'll screw everything up in the end. ... fuck.