Yikes ! Too long too long...

= my speakers sing [Sounds of nothingness] = & = i'm feeling... [full, tired & dirtay] =

You know it's been too long since you've blogged when you start to forget what's your userid and password. Needless to say the trick question thats supposed to help you with the password. I guess it's really a trick question cos you'll probably be cursing and swearing as to why when you first signed up, you decided to enter something totally non-generic and somewhat absurd and nonsensical as user information. LOL?

Anyway,

It's seems like I've been neglecting too much of my friends lately. So much for "I'll definately make time for meeting up with the gang" when the gang's only activity is binge drinking and your significant other's absolute detest is drinking. *BAM* Deadend. Insert Coin also cannot continue. LPPL. You get the drift.

I can't bear to see July approaching as the ban for "No-Smoking" in entertainment outlets start. Only left with a couple of months more. So... toast up, cheers out loud and gulp the dang thing in one shot. And smoke alot thereafter. You won't get to do it come July...

Anyway,

Yay ! Manchester United won 3 - 2 ! I practically gave up watching the match after Kaka' equalized and gave them the lead in the first half. Point being Man Utd's defense was "a total idiocy" and I had to work morning shift a couple of hours later. Luckily in the morning I was greeted by a wonderful news of Rooney's double in the second half. Dang, should have stayed up to watch... Nevermind, there's still the Qiao Si(Knock dead) Vs Li Eh Por(Your cloth) tonight and I intend to finish the entire game before retiring to bed...

Speaking of late nights... I just recovered from a bout of flululu and fever. 4 months since my last throat infection which always causes the previous mentioned symptoms... Just started to recover and now here I am spending late nights again... ROFL?

Speaking of which... the match should be around the corner... let me go prepare for it... and hope cheysai gets whacked !

Did I mention I'm mapling... look for me in the 4th world...

Hey Ho, wtf, it's been so long ! too long...

= my speakers sing [nothing.] = & = i'm feeling... [tired.] =

Whoa. Has it been that long? weekly updates turning into monthly ones... I must apologize for those friends whom make it a point to check my blog once in awhile... actually no need to check my blog for my rants la... msg me can find out already what. ROFL?

Anyway,

Been really busy the past 3 months... with what else? my significant other half lo... It really hasn't been a bed of roses... but then again, we're trying hard to work it out... blah blah blah...

Did I mention that I have a set of unique black mahjong tiles? ~.~ Not cheap though... but very very the nice. So far hasn't let me down yet... been good to me... LOL. Will try to post pictures next time round...

Anyway,

Just been to huat's pre-bday chalet... Was chatting with mel and was having the notion of shutting down my blog... since it's not being updated as often as it used to be... But when I logged into Blogger... I was reminded of the past urges to blog and vent frustrastion... blogged to whine... blogged about happy stuff... Maybe I'll just keep the blog for awhile more... Just awhile more... lol... besides, it's the only other avenue that I have some of my private freedom... uninterrupted by no one else... hee !

Life is never a bed of roses. Even if there are... they'd be covered in shit.

= my speakers sing [nothing.] = & = i'm feeling... [pissed.] =

Dong Tong a-long-tong chang chang chang. Chinese New Year is over liao. It's been another long month since my last post... So what has the infamous cow been doing? Nothing much... idling here, moo-ing there... been drinking less though... and less of meet ups with mao n the gang... cos of what you might ask? Cos of my new found hobby called, girlfriend lo.

Qn: "Aren't you supposed to be living in bliss now?"

Ans: "Am I? I don't know... one moment we're happy yakking, the next we're in a cold war..."

The frequency is increasing throughout the past few weeks... tensions are running high... So much for the promise of telling each other about each other's unhappiness... Pui. Just feel like losing it sometime... No point yakking online so much... then again, when I have a post, it's usually a whining one. So there you go... rofl.

Anyway,

And for all those whom are concerned, cow is intending to resign come june... any job lobangs for milkless cow? :-D

It's been a long long month...

= my speakers sing [nothing.] = & = i'm feeling... [sickish.] =

My mind's in a whirl. This month seemed like a dream... is it going to end soon? I shudder at the mere thought... I know negativity is also bad... but I can't help it... I've been there, done that before... and I guess no one really wants to experience shit like that for a second time running... Bah... I shouldn't start to complain when everything's going well...

Anyway,

Past all those negative thoughts, I had a barrel of fun yesterday celebrating the first month of us... A lomantic dinner at Fisherman's Village under the stars... and she made me realise it was the first time we were out together alone... every other time there was bound to be someone else... be it mao or jo... roflmao. I'm such an insensitive moron. At least we had fun... a night to remember... lol...

Everything seems so new to me... Not really used to the idea of waking up next morning only to see someone else lying next to you... or rather, not used to the fact that someone is lying next to you when you're going to sleep... Afterall, it has been so long since I've been sleeping alone on my single sized bed... I guess I could use some adjusting to... an extra toothbrush... storage space for her clothes in my wardrobe... space on my tables for her barang barang... does this constitute to cohabiting? lol...

well...

I don't dare to ponder that far off... just taking a step at a time... who knows... what till happen in the future... no guarantees... lol?

It's the new year ~ !

= my speakers sing [Nothing.] = & = i'm feeling... [Super duper elated.] =

Happy 2007 to one and all. A couple of days late... but still should be able to make it la ah... With a blink of the eye, 365 days have passed us within a flash. I bet there were many events in 2006 that left some of us bewildered, depressed, happy, optimistic, pessimistic... blah blah blah. Well, it certainly was eventful for me... work wise, I guess the future doesn't seem to look that bleak anymore... and the end of 2006 spells that I've got only ½ a year left on my current employment's contract! Yippie?! Love wise... it was sure as hell a traumatic experience... I got dumped twice. First being a totally weird and surprising outcome... Second... it's been a hell of a roller coaster ride. I literally dropped to the bottomest of the bottoms... but by a stroke of luck + a dash of hope + a lil bit of miracle... I'm suddenly lifted and I'm feeling on top of da world baby ! :-D~~

Anyway,

Did I mention that I've just bought for myself a 27" SamSung LCD TV? :-D~ It's sortta a xmas cum bonus pressie for myself... Well, to reward myself for the hard work I've done throughout 06. ROFLMAO. Ok la. No one got me any xmas presents. So I had to buy a freaking TV for myself to make me feel better. LOL. Really, I've always wanted an LCD TV. Now I've made my dream a reality... next stop? a vroom vroom perhaps? hahahaha...

There's been some changes in my life for the past week or so... All I can say is... I haven't felt this freaking good ever. A new TV, a new ray of light in life, what else more could a man ask for...

I've always believed in Karma. So I hope that this time round... it's really the good I've given thats coming back. Till I have more to reveal further, good luck, best wishes and stay healthy in 2007!

Wow?

= my TV sings [C.Ronaldo kicking Wigan's arse.] = & = i'm feeling... [elated...] =

So much has happened in the past 2 weeks or so... I did something really stupid with those new machines that print out your phone-pics via bluetooth or memory card. Basically I got my card stuck in the freaking machine and I freaked out. But I managed to get my card out at the end of the day... (minus some "genuine" help rendered by the technical staff).

And...

I guess my christmas this year was spent in the most un-exciting way. I got sick the day before eve of xmas, high fever and all. So the next logical thing to do was to ground myself. Thus, a grounded xmas. But... I gotta admit... it was the damn best xmas I ever had in my entire life. (No, I didn't get laid.) ROFL. "Tis this season to be jolly, fa la la la la la la la la..."

Anyway,

Also in the headlines.

Cow has a cow-dette !

:-D

In case of anyone whom doesn't understand... Cow is no longer available !

Bitch post.

= my speakers sing [Nothing.] = & = i'm feeling... [Stupefied.] =

Arse-nal 1 - Char Si 1

Wuhahahaha Man Utd 8 pts clear ~~~

Psst, FYI, this cow has been a Man Utd fan since 1996.

A decade liao wor.

I shan't go back to proving myself since I've not been following much in the recent years... But I do know the Bugsy Babes to the Pallister, Bruce, McClair, Cantona era blah blah blah...

Anyway,

This entry is not supposed to be based on soccer. I just saw something off the net that blew my mind. I really cannot believe it lor. Shell shocked, then stupefied(still am), then amazingly... it felt god damn funny ! Seriously, all I can say is...

What the fuck? I give up la nah beh chee bye. ROFLMAO. (+alot of laughs)

I think I've changed in a way... but I also think that I've never remained so firm about some things... I guess, 狗改不了吃屎。 LOL.

My heart's open with warmth but I sense hidden agendas...

Am I changed for the better...


or for the worst...

Ouch.

= my speakers sing [方力申 - 好心好报] = & = i'm feeling... [in alot of pain.] =

I played soccer for 5 mins.

I limped off the pitch.

There's a bruise the size of a ba zhang on my left shin.

I'm worried that I'll get a hairline fracture.

I'm off to the hospital.

Lipeats.

= my speakers sing [Liu Jia Liang - 你到底爱谁] = & = i'm feeling... [somber.]=

As requested by the aspiring journalist and for the benefit of those who can't read chinese for nuts... Here's the loosely translated version of my previous post. Don't blame me for the bad translation. rofl...

Our love

Love tortures.

Hurts people to the extreme, drives them to insanity, have regrets for life, go crazy, even killing... However, the person torturing yourself is not the other party, but yourself.

I've given so much for you, you just turned and left, never once looked back, so ruthless you were... your heartlessness left me with so much pain.
Pain is because I expected something in return for all that I've given.

One sided love or falling in love with those already in love or those with marriage engagements will lead to pain... Pain because you want to get a confirmation from the other party but cannot. Because I do not know how to give unconditional love, that is why I only wish to possess.

Betrayed by love, I'm a victim. You shouldn't have been so callous with love, not sparing a thought for my feelings. I suffer in pain, because you cannot meet my expectation of love.

But, if I really do love you, truly love you, I would have been able to give willingly; if it was willingly, I wouldn't have bothered with the returns, and would have gone from your perspective. Your friendship, heartlessness, attitude and what nots would not have affected my love towards you. Because what I love is you, not your returns.

Some people are used to betraying, some people use feelings for revenge, some people use feelings for being a backup... As long as both parties are satisfied with each other's expectations of love, even the law can't do anything about it.

In the world of love, there is no logic, no rules, no stated laws, even no morals. Those taking part in this game called love must understand that fully, then they will be able to train a heart of steel that isn't easily defeated.

If you cannot give unconditional love, you can only leave, leave to find someone who fits your expectation of love as well as theirs, if you cannot meet up with the other person's expectations, even if you skin their scalps, chain them up, you're just forcing them to live with your own expectation of love. Is that compulsively possessive, not willingly to give up or real love?

Afterall, love is nothing but a transactional investment. Your coldness, disloyalty, heartlessness caused me to end up being a bankrupt. Any investment without returns is a very stupid thing to do.

Love experts often advise people not to be too caught up with love and surrender everything, you must find someone suitable for yourself. Note, it's suitable. Not necessarily love. Because even the love experts also know that there are not many people who truly understands love.

Our bodies, perspectives and values are of utmost importance. What we think about the most is not what the other party is feeling, but only what we ourselves are thinking.

Love tortures, because we do not understand love.

Matter of fact is that...

Even if we do fall in love with each other,

The person we love the most is ourself.


Wa lan eh... I think I did quite a bad job there. Got a couple of phrases which I don't really know how to translate.

Anyway

The general idea is there. Try to digest? rofl....

And the clouds clear... of the stormy weather and the fake silver linings...

= my speakers sing [张信哲 - 做你的男人] = & = i'm feeling... [Anew.] =

I just lost a page of chinese that I typed for the past hr. Blogger and Windows chinese input sucks.

What I wanted to say was... I finally got an answer... Not quite what I expected. But I'm just the kind who needs an answer of sorts. Not totally convincing, had a feeling that she might be saying all those just to spite/irritate me.

And no, I'm not going to change the perspective I have on relationships. It'll still be the same.

"Be true, stay true, have trust and be happy"

Not the deepest of words but sometimes, simplicity is the key...

Anyway,

Onwards to the article I read in "i" Weekly last night... This article made me open up to more opinions that I never thought of...

我们的爱 - By "大虾"

爱折磨人。

让人痛不欲生、丧失理智、遗憾终身、变得疯狂、甚至是情杀……
然而真正折磨自己的并不是对方，而是自己。

为你付出了这么多，你却转身就走，头也不会，如此无情----你的无情让我痛苦。
痛苦是应为我要求自己的付出有回报。

一厢情愿的爱情或是爱上了已经有爱情或婚姻盟约的对象让人痛苦----痛苦是因为想得到却又得不到对方肯定的眼神。因为我还学不会无条件的爱，我会的只是想拥有。

被爱情背叛了，我是受害者----你不应该这么滥情、这么不考虑我的感受。我痛苦，因为对方无法符合我的爱情标准。

可是，如果我真的那么爱你、如果真的是爱你，我就应该能心甘情愿地付出； 如果是心甘情愿，也就不存计较回报率，也只会从你的角度出发。你的有情、无情、你的坚贞、你的滥情都不会左右我对你的爱情。因为我爱的是你，不是你的回报。

有的人习惯背叛、有的人把感情当暴利的工具、有的人把感情当援兵之计……
只要双方满意彼此的感情标准，法律也不柰合不了。

爱情世界里，没有逻辑，没有规则、没有法律可循、更没有道德可言。参与游戏的人必须彻底地明白这个道理，才能练就出一颗金刚不败之心。

如果自己做不到无条件的爱，就只能选择离开，寻找能够符合彼此感情标准的人； 如果你无法妥协于对方的感情标准，即使把对方的头皮抓破、把对方拴牢，你也只是要迫使对方接受你的感情标准。那是占有、是不甘，还是真的是爱？

因为感情毕竟是一种变相的投资，你的冷漠、不忠、无情让我“血本无归”。任何一种没有回报的投资都是愚蠢的行为。

爱情专家教导人们不要迷信为爱奉献一切，一定要找适合自己的人。注意，是适合，不一定是爱。因为爱情转家也知道懂爱的人不多。

我们的自我、我们的角度、我们的价值观最重要，我们考虑到最多的不是对方的感受，而是自己的感受。

爱折磨人，因为我们不懂爱。

事实是，

即使彼此相爱，

我们还是最爱自己。

That was such a fascinating article that I read it umpteen times and I knew that it had to be on my blog. And it was through that article that I finally pushed on through the final barrier. To really be undeviating and go straight to the point. To ask her about why everything happened, happened. Since now that I've already gotten an answer, my heart can really start the stages of final recovery...

Becoming me again...

= my speakers sing [Guang Liang - 如果你还爱我] = & = i'm feeling... [Excited.] =

FFXII...
Smackdown Vs Raw 2007...

Am I finally becoming my usual self again?

I doubt so... it'll take more time... but I'm getting there...

LOL?


光亮 - 如果你还爱我

我带着一颗疲惫的心走了
我知道自己在你心里已不重要
虽然我们曾经相聚过
也许对于你来说
已经没有什么值得回忆
我带着一颗沉重的心走了
我知道自己没有勇气道别离
虽然我们曾经拥有过
但是对于你来说
已经没有什么值得回忆
难道早以注定
不能真正拥有你
难道我真心付出一切
只为了承受孤单和寂寞
我知道你不敢对我坦白
是不要看到我的伤怀
虽然你没有说要离开我
我已经感到你不再属于我
如果你还爱我
你不会对我如此的冷漠
又怎会让我在漫漫长夜独自徘徊
如果你还爱我
你不会对我如此的冷漠
我只能含着眼泪
默默的离开

No More... It's a brand new day !

= my speakers sing [HBO - Ocean's Twelve] = & = i'm feeling... [at peace.] =

It's a brand new day with brand new things to look forward to. I've been moping around in this nonsense for too long. Since we can't communicate anymore, why should I bother with anything at all?

Good bye, good luck and be happy.

I know I will try to.

:-D~

I don't know.

= my speakers sing [nothing.] = & = i'm feeling... [pain.] =

If you love me still, let me know.

Because I don't know what you're thinking of.

我哭笑不得。

it's been too long...

= my speakers sing [Rainnie Yang - 理想情人] = & = i'm feeling... [empty but with a sense of certain relief.] =

After yet another "counselling" by one of my good colleagues, I've realised something which I should have done a long time ago.

I should have put myself in her shoes a long time ago. Afterwhich he said somethings that suddenly made sense to me.

"她这样把自己吊起来卖，你还那么傻去上钩..." Well, not entirely like that but the meaning is the same...

But once I've put myself in her shoes, I started wondering... she might have other choices whom she can't decide by... So she's just playing her time slowing taking her pick. Maybe she doesn't know how I feel... But I'm not about to let her know... If she's not even going to consider the shitloads that I've gone through these past few weeks... then there's probably nowhere else to go but to give up and move on...

I don't know why I felt towards her like this... this emotion can be compared to losing di... I used to think that, that was the ultimate sense of grief that I could experience during that period of my life... I guess... I was wrong. She made me feel something similiar to that of when I was with di. I felt really, really happy. I felt satisfied and immense joy whenever I was with her. Could be put that I actually felt complete for that short duration.

But the last few weeks were sheer torture. I drank almost everyday not to numb the pain... but so as to be able to sleep more easily. Everything I said, saw, touched, heard and thought reminded me of her. Some people can understand what I'm going through, some can't. I was so nearly on the verge of breakdown. And her sudden antics didn't really clear the air lor. I needed an answer. A resolve. A clear definate explaination of why what transpired, transpired. But all I got was nothing. To the extent...

that I'm now starting to feel numb.

I want to put a stop to this. Seriously, I don't care if she sees this or not. I just want her to know that...

曾经有一个人，
把自己的心完全掏给了
一个对他来说很特别的女孩，
可惜那女孩没有珍惜...

If she ever bothered about the relationship, she wouldn't have mentioned breaking up in the first place. If she cared, she would have chased me home personally from her void deck instead of just using a few smses to shoo me away. I'd already dropped my pride and went to her house like a fool to look for her... and all she could muster was a few smses. If she really liked me, she wouldn't have beared to let me go through this fucking hell I'm going through right now. (Boy I'd love to see her refute these.)

I ain't complaining, I'm just trying to release myself. I've learnt a few more new things about myself. Life is a road of self discovery. I've decided to let go. Sometimes, the best things in life are those that you never achieve. If fate really wants to play with me... then please, let me learn faster so I won't fall so hard the next time round.

Anyway,

Tomorrow will be a new day. Same old me, mind afresh. And as I always say...

Life is good and life goes on.

:-D

Acceptance.

= my speakers sing [如果有一天] = & = i'm feeling... [Nonchalant] =

I've learnt something today.

Acceptance.

If she ever does see this... I hope that she'll understand.

I never regretted loving her. But sometimes the love just dies.

All I can say is that, 对不起，我爱你 and 谢谢你, 再见.

Might sound retarded... So let me interpret...

对不起, 我爱你 - self explanatory.
谢谢你, 再见 - Thanks for all the memories. Thanks for letting me feel loved at times. Good bye and good luck. I hope you can find someone who loves you as much as I did... maybe even more...

If you're seeing this, I just hope that I did not stress you out by being too serious in a relationship that was only 1½months old... I never wanted things to turn out this way... I never wanted to have doubts... Only just clarifications which I couldn't get outta my system... Perhaps I was expecting too much from you... Since all's been said and done.... A sincere goodbye seems to be the most appropriate way of ending this.

Maybe you won't see this, maybe you will.

I just hope that you understand...

~断点~
张劲轩

静静地陪你走了好远好远
连眼睛红了都没有发现
听着你说你现在的改变
看着我依然最爱你的笑脸
这条旧路依然没有改变
以往的每次路过都是晴天
想起我们有过的从前
泪水就一点一点开始蔓延

我转过我的脸不让你看见
深藏的暗涌已经越来越明显
过完了今天就不要再见面
我害怕每天醒来想你好几遍

我吻过你的脸
你双手曾在我的双肩
感觉有那么甜我那么依恋
每当我闭上眼
我总是可以看见
失信的诺言全部都会实现

我吻过你的脸
你已经不在我的身边
虽然你不在我的身边
我还是祝福你过得好一点
断开的感情线
我不要做断点
只想在睡前再听见你的
蜜语甜言

F. F. F. FUCK !

= my speakers sing [NOTHING.] = & = i'm feeling... [EMPTY.] =

Just read something from Neil Gaiman, "Fragile Things"... since mao bought it not long ago... There was a short story that he wanted me to read so much about. I guess it somehow or rather had a similiarity with me... "how do you think I feel?" This short story struck me momentarily. I could just feel what Neil Gaiman was trying to portray in his own method...

I can't help but remember the part about him mentioning the gargoyle wrapping his heart... Haaaaaaa............ I could use something like that right now... Then again... if I were to reach that stage... I'd probably be like a de-generate like mao... which he doesn't really wish for me to end up as... All I gotta say is that,

"We're degenerates you and me.
No matter what events takes place,
No matter what happens,
De-generates, you and I.
We'll forever be...
DE-GENERATES."

lame boy.

When I was drinking alone at "George's" I thought of a couple of things. About what I've did for the past few days... I mean it's that, I'm at a stage where I've reckon that I can't possibly say/do anything more... I've tried and tried but if her heart doesn't have any place for me, no matter what I say or what I do would not be enough to convince her to carry on this relationship with me...

Frankly speaking... I don't know why I'm behaving like this. I don't know why I'm putting so much effort or interest in this. Am I trying to make up for the lost effort for Diana's case? Am I trying to prove to myself that by loving someone too much, you wouldn't destroy the relationship? Or rather, am I trying to commit myself too much? Am I that desperate to look for a wife? WTF? Am I too serious too fast already?

I.
Don't.
Know.

All I know is... I've given nearly my all for this relationship. This "so-called" relationship. And it hasn't brought me any joy at all. Rather then I frustrate her and strain myeslf, might as well I just let it go la... I'm really sick and tired of all this guessing and shit. I want to ask her whether she really loves me or not, but then again, I think back,

ONLY ONE MONTH PLUS LOR.

LOVE MY LAN JIAO.

I give up. I can't fathom a female's mind. I don't wanna guess what's in it anymore.

IT'S KILLING ME.

任贤齐 - 心太软 (I guess this is "the" song for me right now... HA HA HA?)

Orh...

= my speakers sing [陈奕迅 - Lonely Christmas] = & = i'm feeling... [空虚] =

I've been wondering...

Have I been too pushy? too harsh? too demanding?

Initially I didn't want to put too much in...

But as I realise that she is invading my heart more and more,

Too much gets flowed in.

Now I can only play by the ear...

Take it a step at a time.

Hope for something good. I've been in too many storms to weather. I'm tired. Real tired. I tried to let nature take it's course. But I always seem to try too hard. As my colleague said,

男人不坏，女人不爱。

可是我不要坏。 我只要爱。

My mind, my heart and my soul.

= my speakers sing [ESPN - Inter 1 Spartak 0] = & = i'm feeling... [Semi-charmed kind of life.] =

是你的就是你的。

This past week I've thought alot about things.

I'm experiencing some shit in my office. It's affecting everyone.

Somehow or rather,

I've come to realise 3 important questions that I need an answer for.

I've been enlightened to the fact that these 3 questions would probably answer to any dying/boring relationship.

Q1) Do you feel happy when you're with me?
Q2) Do you feel that we can get along?
Q3) Do you love me?

Q1 & Q2 can be answered quite easily...
Q3... It's a 50 50 thingy. One can lie about that answer but will have to answer to your own conscience eating you out.

Semi-Poetic Moment

When you first held my hand,
I felt immense joy.
When you first hugged me,
I felt immense warmth.

The days of us communicating,
The days of us canoodling.
The memoirs of you in my arms.

The day I said those 3 words that I've always thought of as a taboo,
The day that I said it,
I never regretted it.

I'm not the kind of person who would say,
What my heart don't mean.
How much I have to give,
You should know.

To make me feel so,
then ditch me so,
made me feel like,
I was toyed so.

After a period of separation,
After a period of pain,
I've come to realise that,
No pain, no gain.

Thus I can conclude,
I have tried my best,
And I will give my all,
Only to ask for,
One chance more.

Ronely... I'm so ronely...

= my speakers sing [Nothing.] = & = i'm feeling... [Ronely.] =

任贤齐 - 爱的路上我和你

不知道什么时候
开始喜欢这里
每个夜里都会来这里看你
你长得这么美丽
叫我不能不看你
看不到你我就迷失了自己
好想牵你的手
走过风风雨雨
有什么困难我都陪着你
直到天长地久
直到天荒地老
爱的路上只有我和你

不知道什么时候
开始喜欢这里
每个夜里都会来这里看你
你长得这么美丽
叫我不能不看你
看不到你我就迷失了自己
有时候你很调皮
总是让我着急
一颗心总是为你跳不停
只要一闭上眼睛
总有千百万个你
你的影子装满我的脑海里
不能够不想你
也不能够忘记你
总是在梦里一直看到你
多想对你说句
我是真的爱你
对我的心不要再怀疑
好想牵你的手
走过风风雨雨
有什么困难我都陪着你
直到天长地久
直到天荒地老
爱的路上只有我和你

好想牵你的手
走过风风雨雨
有什么困难我都陪着你
直到天长地久
直到天荒地老
爱的路上只有我和你

It's over.

= my speakers sing [nothing.] = & = i'm feeling... [absolutely totally like fucking crap.] =

Ever since I said "I love you."

I've never regretted it.

I like you for liking black and the number 7.
I like you for showing me the "teio" sign.
I like you when you shake yourself and say "reggae-ton!".
I like you when you sai nai at me.
I like you for being the straightforward person that you are.
I like you for being the family oriented person that you are.
I like you for how much you value your family and friends.
I like you for being serious and committed to your work.
I like you for telling me the songs that you want me to sing to you.
I like you for the random kisses you give when we go out.
I like you when you're wearing your specs.
I like you for using the same perfume as me.
I like you for telling me what our future children would be like.
I like you when you're singing.
I like you when you call me dear.
I like you when you hug me.
I like you the most... for being just... who you are.

I'm sorry if I ever gave you doubts.
I'm sorry if I ever do sound weak.
I'm sorry if I've ever made you angry.
I'm sorry if I've ever made you feel pressured.
I'm sorry if I've ever make you feel awkward.
I'm sorry if I've ever believed in my friends' bad advice.

Why can't things go back the way it was before?

The change I'm undergoing is making me feel uncomfortable. I don't mind.

My friends tell me,
"What kind of girlfriend doesn't even wanna meet you at all especially since you've travelled half of Singapore just to see her?"
"What kind of girlfriend rather meets her friends then you?"
"What kind of girlfriend would rather sms then talk to you?"

I DON'T CARE.

I LIKE HER FOR WHAT SHE IS.

as if she'll ever see this.

My friends keep telling me this,

"Be a man. Tell her to fuck off. Don't regret about it thereafter. If she thinks about you, she'll bother."

I CAN'T.
YOU FUCKS.
WHICH PART OF THE FUCKING LINES DON'T YOU GUYS UNDERSTAND.
I CAN'T. KAN NIN NAH BEH CHEE BYE.

As what I always think... there's a clear line between like and love. For me to even mutter the word love says alot. She says that I'm pressuring her. I'm too good to her. She feels cornered. She doesn't feel that our relationship is stable enough. Am I too overwhelming? Am I asking too much to get loved in return? I just want a girl who can love me for what/who I am. I thought this current thing is what I wanted.

I just need to be loved.

She's going over to Bangkok on Fri. A short trip to visit her friend. Can I be the one to welcome her back to SG on Sun? I doubt. Since she's made it so clear.

I don't care about her past.
I don't care.

I just feel...

It's a fucking waste. The things that took place. It's a fucking waste.

I always believe, fate brings people together. I believe that fate brought us together.

But when she told me that "Do you wan to call it off"

Man...

It cut like a knife. Bled like a river.

All I wanted was a confirmation.

Who am I to you? Who do you regard me as? Is that such a tough question to answer?

I know that I've told you before that if we ever breakup, it wouldn't be as bad as my ex... but it's still freaking BAD.

MY HEART STILL PAIN LOR.

I just feel that I'm the one who started it all... ever since the lying incident. End of the day, it's my fault still. I had to be the one to lead to my own downfall.

If she ever reads this... I just wish that I could be the one waiting for you in the airport on Sunday... perhaps we need this period of time to cool down... I've given it alot of thought. I wouldn't have blabbered so much if you were just a passing phase. You touched my heart in the recent weeks.

The whole world tells me that you're not suitable for me.

They're not me.

My tears will only fall for those whom mean something to me.

My tears flowed tonight. Everytime I think of you. Everything that reminds me of you. Will you ever know? Do I sound so pressurizing? I'm not asking you to give your all... I just want things to be the same back where they were...

When the whole world doesn't believe in you...

I do.

Will you ever know of this entry I made in my blog??? I wouldn't know... As much as I want to tell you to read this... I know that it can't be forced. If you're meant to read it... you would. As I always say...

"Life is good and life goes on"

What a perfect time for me to practice what I preach. I guess I'll go smoke a fag at my window... wishing upon the stars like I always do...

for that miracle...

to happen in my life...