its been awhile...

= my speakers sing [李圣杰 - 手放开] = & = i'm feeling... [the same emptiness.] =

trying to immerse myself with work... trying to hang out with my friends more... not really much of use... i hate this feeling. i simply hate it. i hate myself for feeling like this. does she knows? i dont know... i still think about what we did for the past 3 weeks... its still very vivid... so close... so unbelivable... why am i still whining like a fucking dumb sore loser... feeling fucking totally useless... where is my focus? my concentration... it's really not the same anymore... i don't blame her for it. to put it bluntly, i brought it on myself... deep down i could see it coming but still... i couldn't help it... i tried, we tried... it's really such a shame to end it this way... really a bloody shame...

i was thinking about what i said to her on that fateful day... all those unhappiness i felt... i just realised, it's not that i don't approve of her lifestyle... i've never said a no... it did make me feel like crap, in misery, jealous in fact... but i didn't mind it... i was getting used to it... i was getting used to the fact that she must have time with her friends, her time alone... i thought i could adapt to it... it's not that i couldn't... i didnt have time to show for it... i really didnt mind feeling like that... i wouldnt mind, cos i'll still have her by my side... i still remember when she told me... "can you don't be so loving..." didnt really appeal to her how much that cuts like a knife... i'm not blaming her... she was patient with me throughout the entire 3 weeks... even though she told me that she wasn't even remotely giving... she did. she really did. when she msged me to ask about my day... the way she looked in my eyes during our conversations... when she held my hand... when she would never reject giving me a hug... those were the kind of moments that made me feel secure... and truly elated. pure joy. pure heaven. really those type in a world of it's own... i really felt the best in my whole 23 years... and when i said "i feel like the luckiest man alive." i did... it's not that its over now... but to tell me to carry on with my life without her is hard... so hard... but i still have to go on... as i would say, "life is good and life goes on..." that really feels like a slap on my face... i guess no one can really follow what they preach...

my friend told me something... "maybe it's because of 4yrs+ without a relationship and you yearn to be affectionate and loving... what more i can see that you truly love this girl... im sad for you cos you didnt even really had a chance to experience something good..." very true... but there's just something about her that keeps me going... i cant really put it to words... its more like, she's my x-factor... she brightens up the room for me when she enters... she brightens up my world when i see her smile... i feel so loved when i look in her eyes...

how scared she is of being able to give commitment i wouldn't know... i guess her past relationship really gave her a huge sense of insecurity... "i'm afraid to commit cos i'm afraid to be hurt again... i gave it my all in my previous relationship and i failed... i dont want to ever feel like that again... you'll never know what might happen lor... and i don't want to waste your time cos i'm all screwed up..." i guess thats what she would/could say... i guess, she still doesn't really know the extent of my love towards her... maybe to her it's like a moment thing... maybe it'll just last for a few hours, a few days, a few weeks, a few months, a few years... maybe it'll die off one day... who can give an answer? if not, why are divorce cases in singapore on the rise? cos the people whom thought that they would be together forever suddenly realised one day that they were not really meant to be? who can promise someone eternity? "make merry now and worry later..." such an unresponsible phrase... yet, so many people abide by it... i could promise her eternity... would she believe it? she was once in an all time high, but crumbled down to all time low... now she's afraid of getting up the ladder again, afraid of being thrown down... the knocks would be even harder... she doesn't want to risk it... she needs to clear her doubts and slowly climb up the ladder again... very slowly... i would say that i would be the hand that stables her if she decides to climb and open my arms for her if she slips... would she believe it? 1001 things i could say that would sound so wonderful... would she have faith in me? but... thats all what i think only... no one would know what she's really thinking of except for herself... for her to accept someone else new with such overwhelming affection is near to impossible... maybe its possible... slowly... really slowly... i'm trying to carry on with life... but i can never ever be able to forget... and yes, i will still be keeping the faith, that she would have faith in me one day... that something good will blossom... something that both of us can hold dearly to our hearts... something that would never end... yes... keeping the faith.