stuck in a moment that i cant get out of...

= my speakers sing [李圣杰 - 痴心绝对] = & = i'm feeling... [mummified.] =

Don't you ever get the feeling that you're stuck in a moment and everything seems to go downhill from there on? Well, I'm would say that I am in such a predicament right now... Can't focus when I blog anymore. Not implying that I'm a darn good blogger, but afterall... 90% of the shit I post are nonsensical stuff. I envy those who have the gift of fluent thoughts. Ideas just seem to flow smoothly for them and they are able to conjure up topics of relative interest to most people and can go on and on and on... It could be that I'm just whining... lol. They too have their "blogger's block" but I'm pretty sure they would recover soon enough. I know I won't. lol.

Anyway,

Enough of that shit. I can get kinda bored talking about my life in every single post... Not mentioning the fact that 8 out of my previous 10 entries contain something about me whining that I've been dumped and I'm feeling like a loser. But! I'm not stuck in a rut. No. I'm not. Sure, I will still think alot about her and those times we had... but still. It's over. Maybe... I'm just not the type of man she's looking for. I don't know. Have I moved on? I still don't know. Ah crap. Here I go again.
(._.")

I'm still not recovering from that nasty "so-called" bout of flu I got after the mahjong session at gib's. My throat feels like a "longkang". Whenever I swallow, I feel this lump against the back of my throat. Reminds me of my tonsilitis days... *shivers* I guess smoking and drinking won't do it any good either, aye? I'm such a contradicting moron. Here I am, telling people that I'm sick and I can't really consume dairy products and spicy stuff, there I go drinking and smoking as per normal. ROFL ! *slaps forehead with metal chair* Alotta good this will do me. heh. Well, as I say; "life's too short to be lived, enjoy every moment as if it's your last." Maybe I should just get that car afterall... *stupid thoughts running thru mind* hah.

Anyway,

Gonna work on Sunday night even though it's my first off day. Can't really help it when your boss dislikes you such an amount that he'll pull you out of a more simple duty and throw you to something more siong. Argh. Can't stay here much longer. I'm going bonkers just thinking abuot work. It's definately going downhill all the way from here...

I need a new environment...
I need to experience new things...
I need to make more friends...

And ya, I'm very much involved with my PS2 once again. It's nice to know that my PS2 will not talk back to me, argue with me, show me lan jiao face or fly me aeroplane. It's been there for me when I'm happy and sad... and I'm proud to call it my comfort source for the past few years. It definately has served it's master well. Oh well...

Games I'm currently playing...

1. The Punisher (Sadistic game filled with gore. My current fav.)
2. Time Crisis 3 (Gets really repetitive after 1 hour of play.)
3. Need for Speed : Underground 2 (I have a bad habit of buying games and not playing till long after. Besides, it's fun to see a stock Honda Civic running with NOS.)
4. Kingdom Hearts (Yes, it's an old game. I know. Rather enjoyable though.)
5. Devil May Cry 2 (Yes, I know 3's out. But this is fun ! :D)
6. GTA : Vice City (Nonsensical sadistic fun.)

Games I'm considering buying...

1. God Of War (Heard crazy reviews about it.)
2. Dead to Rights 2 (I loved part one.)
3. GTA : San Andreas (Should be rather enjoyable.)
4. Gran Turismo 4 (Still considering since mao has a spare copy...)
5. Devil May Cry 3 (Gib has a copy... should be able to kapo from him.)

Oh well... it's 2:24am... time for that almost routine nightly smoke... Amazing how much I'm able to sort out in between a couple of sticks... Heh. Bye all !

not much shit...

= my speakers sing [nothing.] = & = i'm feeling... [moodless.] =

aye. recovering well from my sickness... can start smoking liao wor. well, havent really fully recovered... still have those coughs and runny noses... as much as i'm ready to go... i'll survive... for now...

was supposed to work last night, well, midnight just now... last min received a call from my colleague saying that its cancelled... or rather, postponed to another date... wtf ! oh well... more shit from my supervisor... doesnt he always gives us shit...

anyway,

just came back from simpang... cant really order much things when you cant take milk... so i ventured into the unknown and ordered nescafe-O.......... ..... it sucks. LOL. then went over to another friend's house to catch the insanely boring liverpoot vs Juventus match. such a disappointment. Juve lost. wth. liverpoot vs chelsai for a Champions League semi final? u gots to be kiddin me man. standard drop already lo...

anyway,

it's 535am and i started bloggin this entry at 2... before i left for simpang. now. i need to sleep. pronto. tmr, got to wake up early... kenna conned to go ikea with someone... (@$^(#%^#% oh well, till i have more nonsense, take care peeps.

im sick !

= my speakers sing [nothing.] = & = i'm feeling... [sick.] =

yes. after half a year. i finally succumbed to taking mc. since my tonsil op... last year october... till now... clean mc record man. fuck. seafood + alcohol = fever/sore throat. 2 days of mc. i guess i'll be staying home to recuperate. so much shit left at my office to finish... argh... cant even rest peacefully without thinking about work... cant wait to finish my paperwork ASAP. argh... till then... i'll be at home rotting.

argh. fuck. it's been awhile since im feeling like this...

= my speakers sing [nothing.] = & = i'm feeling... [sickish.] =

aw man... finally met my man mao last night at caesars... after a month or so experiencing Thailand, he came back home to good ol' Singapore. each of us finished our bottles of chivas and he actually opened another bot ! omg. it was a very hard whacking session yesterday... for me that is... whacked drink after drink... why? i do not know... then ended up at gib's playing mahjong... and i'll be damned. first hand i managed a 清一色. by the end of the game... i was the overall winner i think... i managed to win and i don't remember how i did it ! ^^" and when we left around daybreak... i couldn't stomach the twirling chivas anymore... *life door open* *merlion of simei !* and how ironic that next to the dustbin were 2 empty bottles of wine and i actually hovered over to puke on them... LOL. so that if someone walks past, it would be a very simple picture to understand? right. LOL.

anyway,

upon reaching home, i fell asleep like a dead log. and when i woke up at around 2 or 3pm... i discovered that my floor had these few blotches of blood... i looked at my feet and wtf ! my right middle toe had a fucking cut on it ! which led me to remember something i did before i slept last night... i was in my room drinking water from my water bottle when it dropped and landed on my right foot. dismissing it as nothing... i went to sleep... little did i realise that it had already cut my toe and blood was oozing out ! nbcb ! and of course, my bedsheet has a couple stained spots on it as well. argh... oh well... shit happens. and i'm feeling mighty queasy today... since i woke up till now... my colleague called me for some things to settle at around 8pm... but i was feeling too sick to go down... maybe i'll take mc tomorrow... maybe i'll just work and die there... it's been awhile since i last fell sick... since last year... october? (Fast Fact: I used to be sick almost religiously every 3 to 4 months due to my tonsilitis. Ever since I removed my tonsils, I have not fallen sick even once... Up till now. I think.) coming to half a year without any MC already... and does anyone notice it? noooooooooo. ah fuck it. if i'm really sick, then i can't work. but i've got so much paperwork to settle... fuck. i think i'm gonna puke again. ah fuck it.

all i wish now is for someone to be by my side...
someone to show care and concern about me...
someone...
like my LAO BU?
...
ok. not funny.

my first time...

= my speakers sing [李圣杰 - 手放开] = & = i'm feeling... [excited and tired] =

yes. amao is back ! after a month or so... he's back from Thailand. of course, he jio-ed me to go caesars but... fark ! couldnt meet him last night... had to go on a makan trip with my colleagues, which brings me to another point...

my first time... yes. i gave my virgin trip to my team. my virgin trip out of singapore. first chop my on me brand new. yes. brand new passport ! (for those who dont know me, i didnt really like the idea of travelling so i put off applying for a passport for the past... er, decade or so.) i was damn excited on our way there... although we jammed at the causeway for an hour or so and only reached JB around 1130pm? and i waited since 7pm. hahahahahahaha. the journey was rather precarious... given that we had no idea wtf the signboards were saying and all of us were following closely to each others' vehicle... went past a seaside and ended up at some restaurant by the roadside... but it was all good... the makan session lasted for 2 hours odd. ate damn loads of seafood and when the total bill came... woo hoo ! lets just say, each person had to pay around only S$10+ ! shiok man ! of course, the cigs and barble gum were cheap too ! ^^

anyway,

been singing alot rather recently... my voice is also pretty much gone... last night after the makan session, a couple of my colleagues and i adjourned to Kbox Cineleisure since it was like... 2am? and the place closes at 5am. (wow.) pretty much sang ourselves silly... hahaha. i should start to take a mini-break from singing... hm... no. hahahaha singing is fun ! as i said to my good friend, im a certified 100% singing whore ! hahahaha.

anyway,

had a close shave just now... dropped my freaking new $50 zippo on the floor and yes, the shape of the zippo was altered when i picked it up on the floor. MAJOR DAMAGE. luckily, due to the smart thinking of mr cow, i managed to twist, turn and mould the zippo back into shape. *phew* thank god. i couldnt imagine if i wasnt able to turn it back to the original shape. *heart pain* i wan to watch be cool ! hopefully this sat would be a good day... heh. alot running through my mind now but i cant just seem to put it into words. till then, i shall prepare myself for work first and maybe jot down more shit when i come home from work tomorrow. sayo-the-nara !

love? what love?

= my speakers sing [nothing.] = & = i'm feeling... [sticky.] =

true love is found,
when you see her flaws,
understand her weaknesses,
oversee her imperfections,

and still love her for all that she is.

busy busy busy, like a bee.

= my speakers sing [李圣杰 - 痴心绝对] = & = i'm feeling... [confused.] =

hm... these past few days has been a very very busy period for me. working non-stop. work sleep work. glad it's all over now... im on leave today ! going to jb for makan session with my whole team ! imagine that, 18-20 ppl sitting at a table enjoying a hearty seafood meal ! Oooo i cant wait.

anyway,

spent the night at gib's... mahjong, drinking, pool, soccer+ps2. omg. that is the life man. well, i lost at mahjong(AGAIN.). 3 dollars isnt much... considering we played .10/.20 only. friendly la... but its the process of playing that counts. i performed another unique 13 wonders for the third time of my mahjong career and it lacked 3 tiles ! arghhhh when will i ever succeed? ... after the traumatising session of mahjong, i suggested to gib that we take his father's car and go pa pool, since it was like... only midnight... went over to fusion... stayed there and we had a wonderful game of 9 ball. at least i was enjoying kicking his silly ass. rofl. went back to his side and decided to stay over since i was really really tired... 24+hrs without sleep and packed fill with activities isn't that relaxing... lol. watched "the wedding date" with a good friend of mine in the afternoon, wasn't really that enjoying although it had some twisted points in the show... (what else... but free sex.) heh. had ajisen for the second time of my life. grrr... jipun food... i only love sushi and sashimi ! haha. next show to watch, "Be Cool!" one of me most favoured actors, and no, it aint Danny De Vito. its John Travolta ! aint this man the coolest ! style, class, flair~ since Grease Lightning ! hahaha. (and yes. i've watched that show before and i actually quite enjoy it. i have kapo-ed the soundtrack from my uncle. hahaha.)

anyway,

just came home not long ago from a last min ktv session with my colleagues... damn hp batt die so fast. spent the whole day without my hp ! felt abit insecure at first... but... it's a nice feeling... knowing that no one will be able to disturb you throughout the whole day... haha. action packed day... woke up at gib's at 5pm ! i slept at 5am ! 12hrs of un-interrupted rest ! shiok arrrrrr. alvin dropped by my place at around 8+ to show me his latest gaming frenzy, Fifa Street© and it looked rather interesting, although i couldn't really win the comp and i discovered that one of my beloved ps2 controllers was spoilt ! :~~~ oh well, not much time to play games also...

anyway,

i digress way too fast and too much. i've been thinking about myself the last couple of days... is this what i really want in my life? pack my life with activities, meet friends all the time, not spend time alone so i wont think on things? ... maybe? maybe not... have i forgotten and moved on? frankly speaking... i cant answer that, mayb cos im running... running away from reality cos i know that sooner or later, it'll come slap me in the face one day and till then, i will have to deal with it one way or another. for all i know, im enjoying myself right now. meeting my friends to do the things i like. doing everything the way i want it, how i want it. since i have a new motto in life... why not abide by it? im 23 and im already waiting to go... since i have only one life, why not just enjoy every min of it...

*toast* to more drinking !
*toast* to more ps2 games !
*toast* to a better life ! be it single or attached !
*toast* to making an impact on ppls' life by making them happy !
*toast* to me able to drink whenever i want to !

曾经我以为我自己会后悔
不想爱的太多痴心绝对
为你落第一滴泪
为你做任何改变
也唤不回你对我的坚决...

Survey pt 2?

= my speakers sing [Sounds from tv.] = & = i'm feeling... [blanked out.] =

hm. this is becoming a habit. i feel that its a mini friendster now ! wtf !

Description of Your First Name of: Ming
Although the name Ming creates idealism and the urge to help others, we emphasize that it limits self-expression and friendly congeniality with a moody disposition. This name, when combined with the last name, can frustrate happiness, contentment, and success, as well as
cause health weaknesses in the nervous system, heart, lungs and bronchial area.

The name of Ming gives you a very idealistic nature. Your desire for peace and harmony causes you to withdraw from situations where there is friction and acrimony. You are quite reserved and inclined to feel sensitive and self-conscious, even though you strive to appear poised and confident. Being rather secretive in many ways, and not liking people to pry into your affairs restrict opportunities for friendship; not until you feel you can trust others do you open up to them. The desire to help others and the generous side of your nature attract those who take advantage of you.

wow. this is some scary shit ! wana have a go? try it...

Survey?!

= my speakers sing [光良 - 童话] = & = i'm feeling... [light headed.] =

TELL ME ABOUT YOURSELF - The Survey
Name:	Hoe MS AKA Cow AKA conf!d3nce
Birthday:	04/10/82
Birthplace:	SG
Current Location:	SG
Eye Color:	brown
Hair Color:	black with a tinge of brown
Height:	176?
Right Handed or Left Handed:	Righty.
Your Heritage:	True Blue Hainanese
The Shoes You Wore Today:	brown shoes. (wtf?)
Your Weakness:	Fragile heart.
Your Fears:	Height, Sea, Bicycles(Bad childhood memories).
Your Perfect Pizza:	shitza. dont really like pizza.
Goal You Would Like To Achieve This Year:	Quit Smoking. Buy a CAR. Get killer ABs.
Your Most Overused Phrase On an instant messenger:	nbcb.
Thoughts First Waking Up:	time?
Your Best Physical Feature:	15" dick. i'd wish. my height i guess. voice considered?
Your Bedtime:	super duper irregular.
Your Most Missed Memory:	... something sad.
Pepsi or Coke:	COKE ! (for the time being.)
MacDonalds or Burger King:	if no choice bk i suppose.
Single or Group Dates:	Anything also can jalan.
Lipton Ice Tea or Nestea:	Lipton.
Chocolate or Vanilla:	chocolatte !
Cappuccino or Coffee:	kopi siew dai.
Do you Smoke:	erm. yes. rather heavy in fact.
Do you Swear:	erm. yes. rather heavy in fact.
Do you Sing:	erm. yes. rather alot in fact.
Do you Shower Daily:	of course.
Have you Been in Love:	... yes.
Do you want to go to College:	sg equivalent is poly right? then i've graduated liao lo.
Do you want to get Married:	yip.
Do you belive in yourself:	why do u think i call myself conf!d3nce.
Do you get Motion Sickness:	nope.
Do you think you are Attractive:	hell no.
Are you a Health Freak:	sometimes.
Do you get along with your Parents:	yip.
Do you like Thunderstorms:	hell yea.
Do you play an Instrument:	u mean wank?
In the past month have you Drank Alcohol:	hehehe. yes.
In the past month have you Smoked:	hehehe. yes.
In the past month have you been on Drugs:	hehehe. no. never will.
In the past month have you gone on a Date:	define date.
In the past month have you gone to a Mall:	yes.
In the past month have you eaten a box of Oreos:	nope. bad teeth.
In the past month have you eaten Sushi:	yip.
In the past month have you been on Stage:	nope.
In the past month have you been Dumped:	... knnbccb, what kinda question is this. yes la yes la.
In the past month have you gone Skinny Dipping:	i got fear of sea remember?
In the past month have you Stolen Anything:	no. duh.
Ever been Drunk:	not that i remember of.
Ever been called a Tease:	no.
Ever been Beaten up:	no.
Ever Shoplifted:	hm. yes.
How do you want to Die:	i cant answer that.
What do you want to be when you Grow Up:	my dream.
What country would you most like to Visit:	hell.
In a Boy/Girl..
Favourite Eye Color:	not 2 funky for me. thx.
Favourite Hair Color:	not 2 funky for me. thx.
Short or Long Hair:	preferably long.
Height:	shorter then me can liao lo.
Weight:	i see happy can liao lo.
Best Clothing Style:	not 2 funky for me. thx.
Number of Drugs I have taken:	0. NIL.
Number of CDs I own:	many.
Number of Piercings:	1.
Number of Tattoos:	0.
Number of things in my Past I Regret:	1.
CREATE YOUR OWN! - or - GET PAID TO TAKE SURVEYS!

i was influenced by someone. peer pressure sucks. lol.

D.R.E.A.M.

= my speakers sing [my own voice] = & = i'm feeling... [plastered.] =

D.R.E.A.M. = Drugs Rule Everything About Me.

hahaha. heard this song from the Transplants at a colleague's place today. that bloody nbcb made me walk from tampines interchange to his house just to get his muthafuggin scrummy ass outta bed ! wtf ! 1830 to 1930hrs. what a bloody long walk. but at least he accompanied me to caesars for a drink later on...

so far my conquest of the coca cola shit has been well... deposited 90% of the applications at various 7-11s and now im only waiting to deposit a motherload at cathay... dont know why, i just have a feeling that the winner for the grand draw would be picked from that location. Oooo the excitement is killing me. wandered in the streets after he went to pick up his current beau, walked and walked and lo and behold, i stumbled upon my sis. what a freaking small world. stumbling upon so many people recently... but why not her? haha. oh well, had a mini gathering session with her bf n their friend at tampines 201... was busy smoking away while they were engaging in their conversations and it suddenly dawned on me that i really cant do without company...

i wasnt like this before... i can still remember the secondary school days where i am the king of my world. i could go anywhere do anything all alone... and i actually really enjoyed it. nowadays, it just seems to be a torture even taking the train alone... whats happening to me??? i do not know. if anyone can help me on this, pls, let me know !

anyway,

met me new good friend at simpang for supposedly dinner/supper which i couldnt stomach at all. woah. this is a first, mr hms wasting food. so unlike him. oh well, i guess with 1/3 to 1/2 a bottle of chivas swimming in your stomach is never good news. im kinda happy for my friend... being single and enjoying whats happening around her life. its like deja vu but in the different direction. maybe this will help clear my mind of some thoughts when i see it from a fresh perspective. i dont know. but i hope that she can help me with some things that are left lingering in my head... hahaha...

for now, i wan to sing. yes. i just wan to sing. sing my lungs out as some might say, sing like i've never sang before. (for those who have never heard me sing or during secondary school, i have changed a little... no longer the timid mofo who didnt really dared to raise his voice whenever theres a ktv session. i actually jio ppl for ktv now!) i wan to sing, i wan to play pool, i wan to hang out with my good friends. i wan a life. i wan my life back. who can give it back to me?

coca cola ! mini one ! coca cola !

= my speakers sing [Keane - This Is The Last Time] = & = i'm feeling... [tired & drained.] =

coca cola ~ i hate coca cola ! dont really take much coca cola for a couple of years recently. ever since i read about the hoax experiment held in uk whereby a student drank so much coke during a dare and ended up in the hospital and how a tooth was placed in a bottle of coke and it dissolved a couple of weeks later. hoaxes they are, but still, they got me. i've always hated coke, reading about those incidents confirmed my preferences for soft drinks. no cokes/pepsi pls. those who know me will know that im a sucker for root beer and cherryade(surprised?) only. hah. now that theres the coca cola competition to win a Mini One... i've got no choice but to drink up more coke ! or rather, grab every opportunity to kapo any tabs with the contest markings so i can have 1 more chance of winning... *pictures lim peh running around coffeeshops looking at empty cans. rofl.*

omg this is craziness... those who know me would never have expected me to do such a thing. this is the kind of thing desperados do and yes. i certify myself to be a desperado for some wheels now. im at that stage where im desperate. yes. i want my own set of wheels. note keywords, own. MY OWN. so im off, running around singapore to deposit my contest applications. please, if you consider yourself a friend of mine, pray for me. for those who really know me, you should have known by now that i'm a very pessimistic person. so i believe whatever i say would most probably not come true. reverse psychology i guess. then again, im not known to be a person with very good luck. ok ok, im demoralizing. whatever should happen, happens. booya !

My next new toy?

= my speakers sing [孙燕姿 - 天空] = & = i'm feeling... [blank.] =

omg. it has arrived. a SamSung reply to Nokia's current bluetooth frenzy of phones.
ALL HAIL, SamSung D500. yippie.

*screams*

= my speakers sing [光良 - 握你的手] = & = i'm feeling... [tired.] =

[ 迪克牛仔 - 原来你什么都不要 ]
我知道这样不好
也知道你的爱只能那么少
我只有不停的要要到你想逃

泪湿的枕头晒乾就好
眼泪在你的心里只是无理取闹
以为在你身后
是我一辈子的骄傲
原来你什么都不想要

我不要你的呵护你的玫瑰
只要你好好久久爱我一遍
就算虚荣也好贪心也好
哪个男人对爱不自私不奢望

我不要你的承诺不要你的永远
只要你真真切切爱我一遍
就算虚荣也好贪心也好
最怕你把沉默当做对我的回答
喔...你的回答
喔...原来你
喔...喔
原来你什么都不想要

愿来，
可能，
我不需要童话般的爱情。。。
我只是想找个能爱我或喜欢我的人。。。
很难吗？
世界几多人，
茫茫人海中，
我在寻找的她在那里？

just received a call from... amao sometime this week ! that bloody mofo is happily enjoying himself in Thailand while lim peh is sipping lonely drinks all alone in Singapore ! knn ! oh well.
it happens sometimes. he's coming back on the 7th... but i'm working morning shift ! wtf ! hopefully i'm able to get leave and meet him for drinks when he comes back. i think someone will appreciate me taking leave on that day too... :D

anyway,

work is very hectic this week. almost work, off, work, off... argh. me strong. me can survive. me a survivor ! me getting very tired ! me will smoke more ! me will drink more ! me will play more ! me will wank more ! (?! maybe not.) me will sleep more ! me will stfu and go to sleep now !

on a sidenote... a reservist colleague of mine told me something fucking funny the other day while we were working...

Him: "eh bang, have you considered what you're gonna do after your contract?"

Lim Peh: "not really, maybe study, maybe continue, depends on the situation lor. why?"

Him: "have you ever considered being a cabin crew?"

Lim Peh: "(WTF)?! ... ?!?!?!?! hm... oh really. why the sudden suggestion? what you working as?"

Him: "i've been a steward for the past decade. go try la... you should be able to make it."

Lim Peh: "SQ ah?"

Him: "ya."

Lim Peh: "right... (wtf)if i can get in, pigs can fly. or rather, Singapore will have millions of stewards running around."

Him: "no la... it's not hard for you. you qualification, you got the height, you got the looks."

Lim Peh: "(disgusted look + silent WTF) huh? looks? come on la bang, lets be realistic, im not really the kind of head turner guy lor... even if heads do turn, they would be facing the toilet bowl lor..."

Him: "hahahahahaha... go try la... just go try. you got nothing to lose also mah..."

Lim Peh: "heh. i'll think about it? afterall, i still got 2 years left in my contract...(wtf)"

Him: "oh ya. fuck, i forgot about that part. just remember this suggestion when your contract ends ah..."

Lim Peh: "right. (half hearted smile) shall we go smoke? (thinks WTFx10)"

hm. imagine... lim peh as cabin crew. dressed in that cool blue uniform singing,
"it's the only way to fly~" (whatever the lyrics.)
HA HA HA. what a fucking joke.
1. i cannot imagine myself dressed as one of the stewards. (i got bad dress sense.)
2. i'll be the laughing stock of SQ and Singapore.
3. i'll be the laughing stock with my friends.

but...

then again...

the idea is nice...

travelling and looking around... taking on the world on my own... it's always a nice idea. maybe? maybe not... for obvious reasons. duh. wtf. since i still got 2 years of my current job left, i shall not dwell on this much. since i know where i stand... im not cut out for that kinda job, although he did mention that service oriented personnel are gladly welcomed. still, i know i have the cmi face thus, i already know what the end result will be. hahaha. what a joke man. in a sense, it's a funny and cruel joke. oh well, shit happens, anything goes. *fuck care attitude*

天天想你，天天守著一刻心， 把我最好的爱送给你。。。

= my speakers sing [光良 - 握你的手] = & = i'm feeling... [completely lost.] =

[ 光良 - 握你的手 ]
山顶的风凉的想钻进我内心
沉默是我们最近唯一的话题
看曾经亲密的爱慢慢像友谊
爱是流星一坠落就不停

我们尝试让彼此差异能隐形
遗憾的是回避不能解决问题
当我疲倦的凝望你憔悴表情
再不舍得也该让你远离

握你的手坚持到最后一秒钟
哪怕爱要冰凉了
至少让回忆是暖的
了解比爱难多了
我们都尽力了
也许温柔是停止(再)挽留

握你的手像耳语轻声说保重
让眼睛就算湿了不只是痛也有感动
以前每一次挥手都为了再握手
但这一次是为了放手

i need to get out of feeling so moody all the time... i need to do more things that i like... with the people i like... maybe i need to like myself more... maybe i'll know whats really good for me...

feeling hei meh ah?

= my speakers sing [nothing.] = & = i'm feeling... [bored.] =

caught hitch yesterday with her... i must say, definately a very entertaining show. but... i did not enjoy it as much knowing that she was sitting next to me and what happened in the last ½ hour of the show pretty much related to what happened between us. "omg, it's deja vu on the big screen ! well... she told me that she was going to move definately... not quite happy with her choice but still... since she says that she wants to have a greater sense of responsibility... we'll see what happens from now on...

anyway,

i've finally come to realise why i feel crappy when i hear some of her decisions... call it a policeman's instinct, sense of responsibility... but it's like... im just worried for her... although she keeps telling me, "i can take care of myself..." she is independant... but i'm just worried for her that she might do something that she might regret one day... but of course, who the fuck am i to feel that way? it's her life, not mine... i also know that whatever i say most probably wont help... why be so kapo ? maybe cos... i feel that i can do something for her... and i WANT to do something for her to help her thru her supposedly "screwed-up" life. is it too much to ask? i don't care if people say that i'm very the kay zua or i shouldn't be minding her business and keep my shit to myself... i do what i like, if people should say that i should mind my own business, i would tell them to mind their own first. oh well... snappy snappy.

anyway,

a friend of mine went auditioning for a commercial... i hope my friend gets the part ! afterall, good $_$ and the job should be fun ! good luck ya?

am i isolating myself again?

= my speakers sing [李圣杰 - 痴心绝对] = & = i'm feeling... [] =

[ 李圣杰 - 痴心绝对 ]
想用一杯Latte把你灌醉
好让你能多爱我一点
暗恋的滋味 你不懂这种感觉
早有人陪的你永远不会

看见你和他在我面前
证明我的爱只是愚昧
你不懂我的 那些憔悴
是你永远不曾过的体会

为你付出那种伤心
你永远不了解
我又何苦勉强自己爱上你的一切
你又狠狠逼退 我的防备
静静关上门来默数我的泪

明知道让你离开他的世界不可能会
我还傻傻等到奇迹出现的那一天
直到那一天 你会发现
真正爱你的人独自守着伤悲

曾经我以为我自己会后悔
不想爱的太多痴心绝对
为你落第一滴泪
为你做任何改变
也唤不回你对我的坚决

time for work... hopefully i'll get to see her tomorrow...

considerations, freedom, life, death.

= i am watching on HBO... [8 Mile.] = & = i'm feeling... [moodless.] =

yesterday... yesterday night i did something which i havent done in a very long time... walk a very long distance... with company. the thing that i havent done in a long time is not the walk... but there was company. haha. from simpang to eunos... didnt even realise it was an hr and a half long before we decided to hop on a cab for the rest of the journey... (well, we did walk to kembangan before giving up...) mayb cos of the fact that we were having a nice chat along the way...

anyway,

heard from her that she's gonna move in the very near future... gonna let her parents know and hope to get their blessings... dont know how successful she's gonna be... but... i guess thats what she wants... i hope to see the place that she likes so much soon or maybe help with the moving... oh well...

anyway,

been thinking random thoughts during late nights or when im alone... i've realised that even though i'm still very much in love with her... i'm beginning to think whether is it one sided or not... not that if it's one sided then i'm gonna like disappear from her life or something... but... i just get the feeling sometimes that a part of my heart has died. 心凉了 that kinda feeling... doesn't mean that i'll stop loving her... i don't think i ever will stop... but maybe i need to understand her more... or rather... understand me more... road to self discovery begins... maybe i need to experience something new too... a new hobby? a new genre of music? a book? a new life? shit happens... anything can happen... who can tell? frankly, im sick of this life... thats why i've been telling my friends... i'm 23 and i'm already waiting to go. not like i'm gonna kill myself or something... maybe i'm just trying to find someone to understand me for what i am all along...

Daily life is such a bore.

= my speakers sing [光良 - 童话] = & = i'm feeling... [sian of work.] =

tried to keep myself occupied the last 4 days... i think i'm doin ok... minus the bouts of flu that comes only at night... (i wonder why...) not thinking as much about some things as i used to the last few weeks... but when night time falls... that kinda moment will slowly creep up to ya... oh well... that poor girl... sick still have to work... i hope the flowers i got her cheered her up a little... so heart wrenching to see her sick... i hope she recovers soon and maybe, we'll get to do something together when she does!

anyway,

met a friend for supper at eunos area last night... funny how... you can meet people in the weirdest of ways and can actually hit it off... i guess that's called fate... in the vast universe with so many people inhabiting on earth and in different countries, you can meet someone whom you can call a friend... that's why i always treasure my friends... had a very nice chat of almost everything! the kind that can go on and on... maybe now i should start to find more friends... maybe not... who knows?

anyway,

today was quite enjoyable... woke up in the afternoon, by a call from my supervisor... this is the only sucky part of the day... asked me so many questions and didn't even fucking realise that i just woke up... crazy fellow... after that another of my colleague called to ask whether i would still be joining them for a tennis session at the condo in front of my home... yes, that's right. tennis. the cow has switched to a healthy lifestyle ! (maybe not that healthy...) but... there's always a but. i flew them aeroplane. hahahahahaha cos... i was busy filling my income tax, updating and sorting my zen micro... watching movie repeats on scv... ya... pretty much, finally updated the M.O.S. Annual 2k5 into my zen. Oooo yea... i feel a clubbing night soon... also updated all my slipknot cds... and yes, i happen to be a periodically metal fan. i'm so gonna love bringing my zen out nowadays... went out in the evening to meet my sis at spotlight... bought additional dishes for dinner... had a very filling dinner and am just waiting... waiting for the food to digest before i retire for the night ! for now... cs ! ice-cream ! smokes !

sleep is for the weak.

= my speakers sing [光良 - 童话] = & = i'm feeling... [zombish.] =

the clock is stilling tick tocking... 24hrs without sleep and counting... im surprised that i've managed to survive in a hell-like schedule for more then 2 years already... my biological clock is totally screwed... not that i consider myself noctural, but its more like, i wont even sleep in the day OR night... i've resigned to fate... i'm just waiting for my time to come i guess... considering my smoking and drinking intake will overtake alotta people... if i get past 50, i'll be amazed. crap. bloody brain's gone kuku now... yakking nonsense when this happens...

anyway,

dropped by gib's place with the rest of the gang... surprisingly everyone was free last night... boy was i lucky to have applied for leave... mahjong was the main agenda... with chivas and southern comfort! what a way to play... it's my way of playing! but the only screwup was that im sick ! yes ! after 5 months, im sick ! fucking flu ! ...1½ winds later, jacob, jj, mel n jianhui left... leaving the 3 of us all alone in a house... what else was there to do? ps2 of course... @&$^(@$... cant believe that alvin n i played a total of 16+ we8 matches straight for 4 hours+... my eyes see balls when they close now... still... leave is supposed to be spent this way... otherwise, my life would be so so dull... blabbering weird shit already... guess it's time to grab some rest...

anyway,

the feeling of sian-ness has never been so strong... so sian ! so shiok ! (-_-) whatmore im suffering from this fucked up bout of flu... grrr... ok. i digress. ...seeing my colleagues getting attached... i feel happy for them but in another way... i feel desolated... so now it's them who'll tell me, "eh i gotta meet my gf... can't meet you today... blah blah blah..." i'm feeling abit the "..." i guess it can't be helped... life's a bitch... but life is good and life WILL go on... i need to open my mind i guess... but i'd seriously like still being stuck in my small little hole... don't know why... maybe it's just me... don't like crowds... don't like to socialise... afraid to try new things... afraid... maybe thats just what i feel all the time... a small little boy looking on the world... waiting for it to engulf me in it's pleasures and dangers together with its sins... i guess... 2005 wasn't really as good as i hoped it would be... then again, since when after the millenium have i been really happy before? not very long... not very long... but then... shit happens... as i always say, you'll never know what will happen tomorrow... anything... ANYTHING can happen... so shit IS going to happen now. it's something called... sudden shit attack.

fairy tales can make even the most mature adult turn back to a child...

= my speakers sing [光良 - 童話] = & = i'm feeling... [so ronery.] =

[ 光良 - 童話 ]
忘了有多久 再沒聽到你對我說你最愛的故事
我想了很久 我開始慌了 是不是我又做錯了什麼
你哭著對我說 童話裡都是騙人的 我不可能是你的王子
也許你不會懂 從你說愛我以後 我的天空 星星都亮了
我願變成童話裡 你愛的那個天使 張開雙手變成翅膀守護你

你要相信 相信我們會像童話故事裡 幸福和快樂是結局
我要變成童話裡 你愛的那個天使 張開雙手變成翅膀守護你
你要相信 相信我們會像童話故事裡 幸福和快樂是結局
我要變成童話裡 你愛的那個天使 張開雙手變成翅膀守護你
你要相信 相信我們會像童話故事裡 幸福和快樂是結局
一起寫我們的結局

take leave liao still need to go back ! wtf ! work sucks ~

met some old friends today... such a small small world. saw ex-teammate at sim lim... jianhui at bugis, met up with mel n derrick... so nice of him to be concerned about me regarding this matter... talked about it over some chivas... ok half to be exact... well... i am not feeling upset or whatever... but better then before... not the fact that we're not together anymore... mayb i was pressurizing myself and her too much before... i still think about it when im alone... but mayb it feels different now... not dwindling on it too much... if i kept thinking about it, will kill me one day i tell ya. but i cant help think about the "happier" times... i guess i have to agree with everyone else... she needs time... i knew this, but i opted to "accidentally" leave it out... guess that was where the rush came from... i feel like, the more n longer i think about it, more and more sense will come in... and hopefully this will be able to prepare me for the future... i said it once, and i'll say it again... i'm feeling very deeply emotional towards her still... i hope she doesn't "accidentally" forget about that anytime soon... oh well, i'll see her when i see her...

compatibility issues.

= my speakers sing [nothing.] = & = i'm feeling... [relieved and excited.] =

i read this article on how a couple get attracted and sustaining the relationship... other than attitudes and personalities, compatibility will get a couple together... but its how understanding and coming to truth with incompatibilities of one another that will sustain a relationship... come to think about it... ya, pretty much true. if we share the same interests, hobbies, food blah blah, we would have a whole lotta topics to talk about... but if i cannot tahan some of the things she says/do, then she cannot tahan some of the things that i say/do, then how are we supposed to continue with each other knowing that we cannot get over those differences? thats why i feel communication n trust very important in a relationship. understanding incompatibilities will help strengthen a relationship in more ways then one... i certainly hope that she would come to understand me one day... and mayb even fall in love with me knowing the kinda shitty person that i am ! im just hoping that all will turn out fine... not really expecting anything to happen but just hoping... and keeping the faith of course. hah.

anyway,

had a talk with her just now over the above mentioned issues, actually wanted to "say my peace" before i could just carry on with my sad life... but things, i guess, took a twisted turn before i could just let her go like that... no... thats not me. i will put up a fight for something, someone for that matter that means so much to me. since she's always been mentioning that she wanted to take things really slow. i guess instead of down gearing, we've slackened the pace back many notches. not exclusive... no strings attached... i quote from her... just... friends... so i guess i'll b dating her again...(!?) im hoping that she'll see and understand more of me... mayb she'll realise im the perfect/not perfect one for her in the end... i cant see a future, mayb thats wats making me feel relieved... and at the same time excited... thats what she really wants i guess... time to hit the drawing board for lomantico dating ideas! amao was right... females do love courtship... the whole process... who doesn't love to be woo-ed? woot!?

its been awhile...

= my speakers sing [李圣杰 - 手放开] = & = i'm feeling... [the same emptiness.] =

trying to immerse myself with work... trying to hang out with my friends more... not really much of use... i hate this feeling. i simply hate it. i hate myself for feeling like this. does she knows? i dont know... i still think about what we did for the past 3 weeks... its still very vivid... so close... so unbelivable... why am i still whining like a fucking dumb sore loser... feeling fucking totally useless... where is my focus? my concentration... it's really not the same anymore... i don't blame her for it. to put it bluntly, i brought it on myself... deep down i could see it coming but still... i couldn't help it... i tried, we tried... it's really such a shame to end it this way... really a bloody shame...

i was thinking about what i said to her on that fateful day... all those unhappiness i felt... i just realised, it's not that i don't approve of her lifestyle... i've never said a no... it did make me feel like crap, in misery, jealous in fact... but i didn't mind it... i was getting used to it... i was getting used to the fact that she must have time with her friends, her time alone... i thought i could adapt to it... it's not that i couldn't... i didnt have time to show for it... i really didnt mind feeling like that... i wouldnt mind, cos i'll still have her by my side... i still remember when she told me... "can you don't be so loving..." didnt really appeal to her how much that cuts like a knife... i'm not blaming her... she was patient with me throughout the entire 3 weeks... even though she told me that she wasn't even remotely giving... she did. she really did. when she msged me to ask about my day... the way she looked in my eyes during our conversations... when she held my hand... when she would never reject giving me a hug... those were the kind of moments that made me feel secure... and truly elated. pure joy. pure heaven. really those type in a world of it's own... i really felt the best in my whole 23 years... and when i said "i feel like the luckiest man alive." i did... it's not that its over now... but to tell me to carry on with my life without her is hard... so hard... but i still have to go on... as i would say, "life is good and life goes on..." that really feels like a slap on my face... i guess no one can really follow what they preach...

my friend told me something... "maybe it's because of 4yrs+ without a relationship and you yearn to be affectionate and loving... what more i can see that you truly love this girl... im sad for you cos you didnt even really had a chance to experience something good..." very true... but there's just something about her that keeps me going... i cant really put it to words... its more like, she's my x-factor... she brightens up the room for me when she enters... she brightens up my world when i see her smile... i feel so loved when i look in her eyes...

how scared she is of being able to give commitment i wouldn't know... i guess her past relationship really gave her a huge sense of insecurity... "i'm afraid to commit cos i'm afraid to be hurt again... i gave it my all in my previous relationship and i failed... i dont want to ever feel like that again... you'll never know what might happen lor... and i don't want to waste your time cos i'm all screwed up..." i guess thats what she would/could say... i guess, she still doesn't really know the extent of my love towards her... maybe to her it's like a moment thing... maybe it'll just last for a few hours, a few days, a few weeks, a few months, a few years... maybe it'll die off one day... who can give an answer? if not, why are divorce cases in singapore on the rise? cos the people whom thought that they would be together forever suddenly realised one day that they were not really meant to be? who can promise someone eternity? "make merry now and worry later..." such an unresponsible phrase... yet, so many people abide by it... i could promise her eternity... would she believe it? she was once in an all time high, but crumbled down to all time low... now she's afraid of getting up the ladder again, afraid of being thrown down... the knocks would be even harder... she doesn't want to risk it... she needs to clear her doubts and slowly climb up the ladder again... very slowly... i would say that i would be the hand that stables her if she decides to climb and open my arms for her if she slips... would she believe it? 1001 things i could say that would sound so wonderful... would she have faith in me? but... thats all what i think only... no one would know what she's really thinking of except for herself... for her to accept someone else new with such overwhelming affection is near to impossible... maybe its possible... slowly... really slowly... i'm trying to carry on with life... but i can never ever be able to forget... and yes, i will still be keeping the faith, that she would have faith in me one day... that something good will blossom... something that both of us can hold dearly to our hearts... something that would never end... yes... keeping the faith.

cursed are those who fall prey to the blessing of love.

= my speakers sing [nothing.] = & = i'm feeling... [empty.] =

i've never really felt like this before... something that could have been so great, wonderful... lost in an instant... my faith will not waiver... it's still trying to hold on... but im feeling so empty... i'm trying my best to carry on with my life... but it's just not the same anymore... i've had a taste of pure heaven... i cannot find myself to let it go... will i ever feel like this for another person ever again? i dont think so... the thing is... will i love again? i dont know... i just don't know...

just when i thought i had found something that would complete me... it disappeared just as fast as it came... does she still have something for me? is there such a wrong thing for loving someone too much? i wonder... everything around me reminds me of her... the places i walk, shows on tv, conversations of people, shops... even my own house... i took another one of those long walks again today... but i found myself at the park where i had brought her... sat down in the same bench where we sat... just sitting there... it was as if, she was still next to me... so close, so close... yet... so far... i dont want to pressure her... but i can only wait... for the day where she can finally let go... maybe, just maybe, i'll find myself together with her again, in each others' arms. it sounds like a pathetic excuse... but i cant find any other words to describe the feelings inside of me... its so sad yet... i believe so much in it. if only... if only... so many more things i want to tell her, do with her... i choose not to make it a dream but a reality... for now... i can only hope... and keep the faith.

whatever happens, please... dont stop me from loving you...

i feel down. really down.

= my speakers sing [李圣杰 - 手放开] = & = i'm feeling... [pessimistic.] =

i think i havent done enough...
i think i wanted to help someone get over something but i failed...
but i want her to know...
im still feeling very deeply for her...
i dont think she wants to hear me say i'll wait for her...
but...
i really cannot let go.
i really dont want to see it end this way...
will she give me a chance to tide her thru and create better memories?

i dont know...
really...
i dont know...

把爱收进胸前左边口袋 最好的疼爱是手放开
不想用言语拉扯所以选择不责怪
感情就像候车月台 有人走就有人来
我的心是一个车牌 写着等待

what went wrong?

= my speakers sing [silence.] = & = i'm feeling... [VERY depressed.] =

was there something that I did wrong?

was there something that I did not do enough?

was there something that I didn't do?

I'm lost, I don't know that to do...

I don't like this kind of feeling at all.

I'm not a good person.

I'm still very confused.

I tend to think on the pessimistic side.

What's wrong with me?

I hate myself sometimes.

I hate not understanding the situation.

I hate to feel lonely.

I hate to see people I love fighting their own war without me.

I'm very confused, sad and puzzled.

What am I? Who am I? Why am I doing all this? my friends have warned me about these things... did I listen? NO... why? because... because... because I CANNOT HELP IT.

im lost. someone pls help me here.

= my speakers sing [李圣杰 - 手放开] = & = i'm feeling... [like crap.] =

[ 李圣杰 - 手放开 ]
我把自己关起来只留下一个阳台
每当天黑推开城门对着夜幕发呆
看着往事 一幕一幕 再次演出你我的爱

我把电视机打开听着别人的对白
也许那些事情可以给我一个交代
你要的爱 我学不来
眼睁睁看情变坏 眼睁睁看情感慨

不能给你未来 我还你现在
安静结束也是另一种对待 当眼泪留下来
伤已悄在 分开也是另一种明白
我给你最好的疼爱是手放开
不要一张双人床中间隔着一片海
感情的污点就留给时间慢慢漂白
把爱收进胸前左边口袋 最好的疼爱是手放开
不想用言语拉扯所以选择不责怪
感情就像候车月台 有人走就有人来
我的心是一个车牌 写着等待

我把收音机打开听着别人的失败
哽咽的声音彷佛诉说着相同悲哀
你的依赖 还在胸怀
我无法轻易推开 我无法随便走开
感情中专心的人容易被伤害

hm... whats up with chinese song postings. i guess its a new trend...

当你孤单你会想起谁 你想不想找个人来陪...
你的快乐伤悲 只有我能体会 让我再陪你走一回...

silence in the night always have a calming effect.

= my speakers sing [周传雄 - 男人.海洋] = & = i'm feeling... [chapfallen,morose.] =

[ 周传雄 - 男人.海洋 ]
当我抱着你的时候
窗外风起 黄叶飘落
以为是浪漫
原来只是 有心在飞走

不懂情人心里想的
爱就瞎了 也迷路了
想摸索什么
摸到了你 手心的沉默

最痴情的男人像海洋
爱在风暴里逞强
苦还是风平浪静的模样
卷起了依恋那么长
挥手目送你启航
到你觉得我给不了的天堂

温柔的男人像海洋
爱在关键时隐藏
而心酸汇集都敞开胸膛
做远远看护的月光
不做阻挡你的墙
我的爱是折下自己的翅膀
送给你飞翔

hmph. another brand new day awaits.

work sucks, i know, you'll be at my show...

= my speakers sing [Five for Fighting - Something About You] = & = i'm feeling... [buzzy.] =

been working hard these few days... at least i feel that im regaining my usual standards... still abit lost at times(cant help thinking of someone...) but little did i expect that problems can find their way to me... to cut the story short, im on the verge of being complained for something that happened during feb 2k5 and which i only got to know yesterday night. wtf ! its a long story... but lets just say that im 50% back to my sharp senses. problem has been solved. *phew* screw work.

anyway,

met up with gib n alvin yesterday... been awhile since the three of us met up. always did enjoy their company... nice conversations about almost anything... went for some pool and a very sumptous billy bombers dinner. ended up at caesars(as always.) and mao actually rushed down from work just to drink for an hour ! crazy alcoholic. nowadays, having free time is so much different from last time... i used to be able to think of something to do almost immediately when i have the free time... now, its like... im free... what to do? i'll get stoned and lost. then my mind starts wandering into the abyss again... blardy sia go n call her up on her standby... @&*$@*$% oh well, it is her work. (still in the stages of getting used to.) ahhhhh... she should be back by now... really missing her. guess im sortta lost now...(dont worry, im still evolving within myself. scares you doesnt it.) still must wait till tomorrow then can see her... argh. guess i'll go look for my mistress. *wink* *wink* rofl.

i seriously suspect i can screw myself up everyday.

= my speakers sing [Leslie Cheung - 追] = & = i'm feeling... [flip flappy.] =

work sucked again... does it never end? kenna cho early early in the morning. nbcb ! spoiled the mood for the entire day even before work. i think im being marked... then again, WHATEVER. i dont give a fuck what the hell they think. as long as i get my pay on the 12th every month, i cant really give a rat's ass what the fuck they think. im disappointed as a supervisor has not lead by example. its a long story but im disgusted by what he did today. thats why there is a difference between working colleagues and working friends. working colleagues are those you interact during work. after work, they are just strangers in the crowd. if anything did happen to him on the streets and i happen to pass by coincidentally, i guess i'll just probably leave him alone to ROT and DIE. how to work for someone who does nothing to earn my respect? i admit my mistake but must he FUCK me and make me sia suay in front of EVERYONE? knnb-fucking-cb. still dare to go home when we are in the midst of working. BALLS TO HIM BLOODY MOFO. geez. im blowing up for the first time since very long ago. i thought i had inculcated the ability of " one side in, one side out " in myself. apparently, im wrong. this time it's personal. feel fucked cos of this. crap. shant bother myself with such shit anymore.

anyway,

really wanted to enjoy abit after work today since its been a very tiring and long past few weeks. right on the dot when i reached katong to play billiards with my colleagues, my hp went dead. yes. dead. totally out of battery. oh well, played for a couple of hours anyway, discovered the same old shit, i still suck alot at billiards. although, i did beat a new colleague of mine...(very very very tycho. hahahaha) i still need huge moments of inspiration to look like a decent player. guess i'll stick to pool. rofl.

anyway,

she's on her way back tomorrow morning ~~~ thought abit about what she said during the last few weeks... tried so hard not to msg her that much to disturb her trip... in the end, my mind crumbled within and i dropped her only one msg ard 6am when i woke up. hahaha. personal space that kinda stuff. cannot really revolve around her life all the time... sometimes must let her do the revolving around me (whatever it means, it just seems logical to me.) not saying that i will stop being so loving towards her... of course i wont stop what im doing now and i'll try to improve as much as possible... oh well, anticipation is a killer. hahaha... cant wait for tmr night !!! meanwhile, MAN UTD VS CRYSTAL PALACE ! woo wee !

absence has made my heart grow more fonder...

= my speakers sing [Blink 182 - I Miss You] = & = i'm feeling... [lonely ~~~] =

She's at KL... I'm missing her already although it's been only 1 day. i screw myself up all the time...

Blink 182 - I Miss You

Hello there, the angel from my nightmare
The shadow in the background of the morgue
The unsuspecting victim of darkness in the valley
We can live like Jack and Sally if we want
Where you can always find me
We'll have Halloween on Christmas
And in the night we'll wish this never ends
We'll wish this never ends

Don't waste your time on me you're already
The voice inside my head (I miss you miss you)
Don't waste your time on me you're already
The voice inside my head (I miss you miss you)

Where are you and I'm so sorry
I cannot sleep I cannot dream tonight
I need somebody and always
This sick strange darkness
Comes creeping on so haunting every time

And as I stared I counted
Webs from all the spiders
Catching things and eating their insides
Like indecision to call you
and hear your voice of treason
Will you come home and stop this pain tonight
Stop this pain tonight

Don't waste your time on me you're already
The voice inside my head (miss you miss you)
Don't waste your time on me you're already
The voice inside my head (miss you miss you)

Don't waste your time on me you're already
The voice inside my head (I miss you miss you)
Don't waste your time on me you're already
The voice inside my head (I miss you miss you)

Absence makes the heart grow fonder.

= mtv sings [Blink182 - Always] = & = i'm feeling... [Sianified, missing someone.] =

workload has been terribly heavy these past few weeks. non stop action work for almost everyday... word has it that instead of my normal work work off off schedule, it'll be changed to work (longer) work off work. omfg. like that how to survive. fit for human consumption meh? maybe thats why this line is losing so many people every year. thank goodness this is ending very very soon. if it continues for a longer period of time... i smell many mcs coming along...

anyway,

she's gone to kl to enjoy herself during this 1 week break. oh well, i really hope she doesnt get herself plastered for both nights... heard she and her friends were thinking of clubbing on both nights.... ahh ~~ the madness that goes on in my head ~ im pretty sure she'll enjoy herself there. i mean it when i say, wish i could be there... oh well, sianification sets in. mind is stopping... work tomorrow, application for a freakin passport finally sent ! gonna miss drinking session with mao today due to work tomorrow... knnbccb. gonna see her on sunday...

The worst enemy is your own.

= my speakers sing [nothing.] = & = i'm feeling... [very tired but blissful.] =

watched some dvds with her last night at home... 2046. what a totally freaking knnbccb boring show that is too deep for me. feel asleep several times. should switch to vcds in the future... at least my poor ps2 wouldn't be so tormented... haha. after which, sent her home in future-bro-in-law's car... she suggested a spin... so there we went... ended at some *sekret location* where she managed to psycho me into letting her drive... she did pretty well... n she managed to drive back home safely... although there were more then 1 tense moments... hahahahahaha.

anyway,

was supposed to watch a show with her today... woke up when she called, but fell asleep again with my blardy hp in my hand... (im so sorry my dear!) thus, movie was out, went to shop instead. (imagine that, LIM PEH go shopping !) well, did manage to purchase a pouch that i wanted so badly... met mao at caesars later in the evening n found out that basically almost all my friends want to grab a copy of MOS The Annual 2005 and mao had got it already. wth. ok la... splurged abit this month... but as i said to some1, its not the amount that you spend that makes you unhappy or not. if you spend the money and you're happy, then it's money well spent. she did get a present... sortta from me, well, it was from my sis... but i hope she likes it... gahaha.

anyway,

ended up at horlan v to meet up with her friends... 1 of'em was sortta celebrating his bday... it was cool n all. even to the extent when her ex came, i was pretty ok with it. surprised? hell yea i was. not that he was there, but the way i reacted... i think i've changed man. the old me would be soooo fucking petty, "dont talk to him" "he's there har?" "lets not go instead" i guess i've grown in a sense, pretty cool about everything. i really do have trust in her i suppose. otherwise, i think i would have really seriously contemplated smashing his balls to bits or just plain silly whacking as if tomorrow never comes. it's a really long story, but i cant really elaborate... complicated shit. cant say i wasn't affected when she was talking to him(jia gan chor.) but it's a normal thing to feel if you do call yourself a man. but... i just had to let her go talk to him... since i just want her to be happy and not restrain from being herself because of me... i guess thats what you call love? im contented la... at least, at the end of the day, the one in her arms would still be me... damn im fucking corny. (must have been the kilkennys n chivas.) head is spinning, need sleep. will go sleep. working in 4 hrs. hahaha. why do i feel that its a norm for me to be sleep-deprived? gotta watch it man, cant drop back to the sickly state i was in for the last 4 - 5 years... but... i do enjoy being deprived, at least that means im spending time with her... hahahaha what an ass i am.